One of the Cool Kids
by firefly
Summary: Before Tobi can be recruited into the Akatsuki, he must face the monumental task of passing an initiation test administered by each of the other members. Here's hoping he does. Crackfic.
1. Kisame is Hungry

One of the Cool Kids

By: firefly

Note: Written because Tobi is adorable and needs more love. Oh and, I PROMISE I'll update "Trick or Pocky" after this. Seriously, my cousin won't leave me alone until I do, anyway. XD

**One of the Cool Kids**

Many people found their deaths at the hands of the dreaded Akatsuki. Just the mere silhouettes of those dark, cloaked figures on the horizon were enough to have the toughest shinobi crying for their mothers.

With their cruelty and devastating power, the Akatsuki quickly became the most feared organization on the east coast and there wasn't a bingo book without their mention.

They were feared and revered, fearsome and ruthless. Each member had found his place in the organization by demonstrating his capacity for bloodshed, and anyone looking to join was said to undergo an initiation test so brutal that ninety-eight percent of the candidates never came back alive.

Entry into the Akatsuki was extremely difficult, and as such, there hadn't been a new member for years.

That is, until now.

A fresh-faced, self-proclaimed 'good boy' took it upon himself to try and join. That boy's name was Tobi.

* * *

"Do you think there's room for me now, Zetsu-san?"

The man resembling a Venus fly trap glanced at the masked man sitting at his right, perched on a rock with his hands folded in his lap.

"Leader-sama hasn't said anything yet. Although it's possible, with Sasori being dead and all."

"I feel sorry for Deidara-san. Sasori-san was his partner, wasn't he?"

Zetsu shrugged.

"He got over it quite fast."

"Do you think _I_ could be Deidara-san's new partner?" Tobi asked in a hopeful voice.

Zetsu shrugged again.

"I don't see why not. But you can't just get in. There's an initiation process you have to go through to prove yourself worthy."

Tobi nodded exuberantly.

"Yes. I'm ready for it, Zetsu-san. I've prepared my strongest jutsu for it."

The black half of Zetsu's face emitted a dry, crackling sound resembling a laugh.

"_If you fail, you die_."

Tobi waved his hands in a carefree manner.

"No need to worry about me, Zetsu-san. Tobi will get in, no problem. I"—

Zetsu shifted suddenly, tilting his head to the side as if he were listening to something.

"Leader-sama is summoning me to a meeting," he said a moment later.

Tobi perked his head up at that, scrambling off his rock and standing eagerly before the taller man.

"Can I come, too?"

"No."

"Why?"

"…I'll have to ask Leader-sama."

"Can you? Please?"

A sigh.

"All right."

Tobi watched excitedly as Zetsu melted into the ground he stood on, disappearing through it completely. A few minutes passed and Tobi occupied himself by plucking a daisy, pulling off each petal to the tune of:

"I pass and join…I fail and die…I pass and join…I fail and die…"

Just as he was about to remove the second to last petal, Zetsu slowly emerged through the ground, blinking in bewilderment when daisy petals came raining down on his head.

"Oh! You're back already, Zetsu-san!"

"Leader-sama says you can come with me," Zetsu said shortly, before the black half of his face laughed again.

"_It's very likely you're going to die."_

"Thank you very much," Tobi said politely, bowing and trying to contain his obvious excitement. "I will make Zetsu-san proud."

"Whatever. Just grab my shoulder."

"Can I hold your hand?"

"I said _shoulder_."

* * *

"Ne, what are we waiting for again?" Deidara said in a loud whisper, elbowing Kisame.

The shark man scowled, cursing his luck at having been put next to Deidara in the meeting room. The blonde had been elbowing him for the past ten minutes, asking him questions he obviously didn't know the answers to and blurting out random observations.

"You look like a shark, un. But you smell like…" Kisame cringed visibly when Deidara leaned in, sniffing his cloak.

"…burnt chicken."

Kisame glanced pointedly in Itachi's direction, who sat stony-faced despite his singed hair and feather-coated cloak.

It really hadn't been a good idea to put Itachi in charge of Friday's dinner, after all. The kitchen wall had a flaming hole in it where Itachi had unleashed Amaterasu on a crate of live chickens. What remained was charred, poultry entrails and burnt feathers, and Leader-sama wasn't pleased when they were forced to order takeout.

"This stuff tastes like crap," Hidan muttered, shoving his box of chow mein towards Deidara, who happily accepted. "Kakuzu, why do you always order the cheapest, shittiest food you can find?"

The masked man glared at him.

"Because our finances are already stretched tight. I just had to subtract half our savings to pay for repairing the kitchen wall."

At that, he turned his glare on Itachi.

The Uchiha pretended to not notice.

A few seconds later, the Leader descended the stairs leading down to the meeting room, and the room fell into silence when he strode towards his seat.

As soon as he sat down, Zetsu's head materialized through the floor, and with him came a black-clad individual with an orange, swirly mask.

Hidan pointed.

"Who the hell is that?"

"Nice to meet you," Tobi greeted, bowing to each member in the room. "My name is Tobi."

"He's here for an initiation," Zetsu explained, gesturing tiredly to a stool. "Go have a seat."

As Tobi happily flounced over to his seat (next to Deidara), the Leader cleared his throat.

"We have a candidate to replace Sasori. I'm sure you all remember what's expected from you in the initiation process."

Everyone nodded amidst an enthusiastic "un!" from Deidara.

Deidara was hell bent on making sure Tobi didn't get in. There was just something about the man that _bugged_ him. He was immature and dim-witted and most importantly, not artistic in the least. He would _never_ fit in.

_Oh yes_, Deidara though deviously to himself. _Tobi won't be able to pass my test for the initiation. He's dead meat, un._

"If by some chance he happens to pass the test…" the Leader paused. "He will be appointed as Deidara's new partner."

"What?" the blonde yelped from the corner.

"There will be no more new arrangements or partnerships. We cannot afford to customize new name plates for your rooms. Isn't that right, Kakuzu?"

"Yes, sir."

Deidara shot to his feet, pointing indignantly at Tobi.

"But I don't want him as my partner!"

"Be seated," the Leader said flatly.

"He's boring and dumb and he's too—GUH!" Deidara fell over, collapsing into a twitching heap after the Leader blinked in his direction.

His voice was like ice when he spoke a moment later.

"Does anybody else have any complaints?"

"No," the room sounded in unison.

"Good." The Leader turned his gaze to Itachi. "Bring me the hat."

Tobi watched in curiousity as Itachi got up and disappeared into a dark room adjoined to the meeting room. He returned a moment later with a battered old top hat and handed it to the Leader.

The Leader's hand disappeared inside it, his fingers shuffling its contents. A moment later, he pulled out a slip of paper and unfolded it.

"Kisame. You will be the first to give Tobi a test."

Kisame nodded.

Another slip of paper was removed.

"Hidan, you next."

The rest of the names were drawn out in the following order:

Kakuzu, Itachi, Zetsu, and Deidara.

He set the hat down before speaking, his words hanging ominously in the air.

"_My_ test will come last, of course."

Tobi was fighting the urge to wiggle excitedly in his seat, completely oblivious to the dirty looks Deidara was throwing him from the floor.

"I can't wait," Tobi blurted, hands clasped together in his lap as all eyes looked in his direction. "I won't disappoint you, I promise."

The Leader stared at him in silence for a moment.

"All right. Whatever. Just get out of my sight, all of you."

As everyone stood up to leave, the Leader glanced over at Tobi once more. It would be troublesome to send him back to wherever he lived, as he'd seen the headquarters and knew his—the Leader's—identity.

No, it would be better to let him stay the night. He would die if he failed, anyway.

"You," the Leader pointed at Tobi, who shot to his feet, standing erect with his hands by his sides. "Pick up that idiot from the floor and find his room. You will stay the night with him."

"Yes, sir!" Tobi said happily, saluting before hefting the twitching blonde onto his shoulder.

"Urgh…put me down, un. I don't need your help," Deidara muttered, cross-eyed.

"Don't be like that, Deidara-senpai! I am your pupil now," Tobi chirped, carrying him up the stairs and into the hallway.

"What did you call me?"

"Deidara-senpai!"

"…you're a dead man. Un."

Deidara ended up staying awake all night, unable to sleep as Tobi sat up in his bed across the room and talked incessantly. The blonde's eyes were bloodshot as he stared at Tobi's shadow puppets on the wall, a vein throbbing dangerously in his temple.

"Look, Deidara-senpai. It's one of your clay birds," Tobi said, making the shadow of his fingers flap against the wall.

Oh yes. He was a dead man.

* * *

The next morning, it was strict business. Kisame came to get Tobi from his room, smelling like burnt waffles after another one of Itachi's failed attempts at breakfast.

"Hey you, it's time to go," Kisame said, quirking his brow when he found Tobi making his bed.

"All right, just a moment, Kisame-san. I need to make Deidara-senpai's bed."

Kisame stared at him, the gears in his mind slowly turning. Tobi was obviously going to die; there was no doubt about it. He was a complete fruitcake and had just demonstrated that by making his bed.

He was a dead man, surely.

The shark man raised his hand, tapping a finger against his chin in thought.

Since Tobi was a hopeless case, it was very likely that he'd fail the initiation tests of the others. And if he failed, he would die.

Kisame's stomach growled pitifully.

He grimaced, patting his starving gut consolingly. Itachi may have been able to stomach those _concoctions_, but Kisame had a more sophisticated palate and craved a good, home-cooked meal. All the takeout food had left him feeling sluggish and made his gills greasy, too.

Kisame came to a resolution.

"Don't bother bringing any weapons or anything. All you'll need is the kitchen."

Tobi turned to face him, cocking his head slightly to the left.

"What's my task, Kisame-san?"

The shark man grinned.

A few moments later, Tobi found himself in the spacious kitchen down the hall, the high-tech stove and tall, metal fridge glinting invitingly.

In the corner, the hole Itachi had left in the wall still smoldered with black flames.

"Yeah, you should ignore that," Kisame said, steering Tobi towards the fridge.

"What would you like for lunch, Kisame-san?"

"Anything, as long as it's edible. Can you cook?"

Tobi nodded.

"Good. I'll be back in an hour."

"Okay!"

Kisame quirked his other brow at the enthusiastic response before departing, leaving Tobi to his own devices.

Without wasting a second, Tobi plucked the blue apron from behind the kitchen door, donning that and a red bandana around his forehead before he got to work.

When Kisame returned an hour later, he blinked in surprise at the smells wafting through the hallway. Something smelled…_good_.

Kisame poked his head into the kitchen, eyes widening when he saw Tobi setting the table, complete with a floral centerpiece and all. Tobi glanced up a moment later.

"Oh, Kisame-san! Just in time," he said airily, pulling out a chair for the speechless man.

Kisame slowly made his way over to the table and then slowly sat down.

Tobi ladled a steaming, thick broth into a bowl and set it before him, offering him a spoon a moment later. Kisame slowly took the spoon and cautiously mixed the thick stew, brow furrowing in paranoia.

"I hope you like it, Kisame-san," Tobi chimed in from the side.

"You didn't poison it, did you?" Kisame said doubtfully.

"Um, I don't think so. You didn't ask for poison, did you?"

Kisame's fingers slackened in relief. This guy was a dimwit all right, and a harmless one at that.

Tobi waited for a response when Kisame spooned some of the stew into his mouth.

Silence.

"Well…?"

Kisame swallowed.

"You made this?"

Tobi nodded.

"It's…really good," Kisame said, tearing up a little as the taste of real food graced his abused taste buds.

Tobi was ecstatic. "Does that mean I pass?"

"What?" Kisame said distractedly, intent on swallowing the soup along with the bowl. "Yeah, sure. Why not."

Tobi thanked him repeatedly, bowing and saluting until something occurred to Kisame. He paused, holding the spoon in his mouth.

"What is this, anyway? I never had something like this before."

"My specialty," Tobi answered gleefully. "Shark fin soup."

The spoon fell out of Kisame's mouth, clattering against the empty bowl.

"What…?" he said blankly.

"Shark fin soup! I used the dorsal fin of a Mako shark and"—

Kisame didn't let him finish. He stumbled out of his chair, throwing a hand over his mouth as his cheeks bulged. His blue skin suddenly seemed greener.

"Something wrong?" Tobi asked innocently.

Kisame made a muffled, devastated sort of sound in his throat before he staggered out of the kitchen and into the nearest washroom. Tobi stood there, scratching his head as he heard the blue-skinned man retching into the toilet.

"Well, as long I passed," he said bemusedly to himself before wandering off to find Hidan.


	2. Hidan is Anemic

One of the Cool Kids ch.2

By: firefly

Note: Yayz, it's Hidan's turn to give an initiation test! Hope you guys like this chapter as much as you liked the first. Oh, and, reviews would be LOVE.

**One of the Cool Kids**

Tobi spent a few minutes wandering the winding hallways, opening doors and peeking inside rooms.

So far he'd found a weight room, an entertainment room that included a ping pong table, a room that contained one armchair facing a window, a laundry room, three beautiful bathrooms, some linen closets, a room full of spare cloaks, and all the dorm rooms.

"Excuse me, Itachi-san," Tobi said, sticking his head into the Uchiha's room. "Could you tell me where I could find Hidan-san?"

Itachi lowered the book he was reading, staring up at Tobi from where he was reclining on his bed.

"Keep going down the hall till you get to the last room," he answered tonelessly.

"Oh, okay. Thanks for your help." Tobi turned to leave but stopped when Itachi spoke once more.

"Where is Kisame?"

Tobi scratched his head sheepishly.

"Throwing up in the washroom."

"Oh. Okay," Itachi said carelessly, resuming his reading.

Tobi gently closed the door behind him before departing down the hall. He chanced a glance in Hidan's room but only found Kakuzu there counting money. The masked man pointed him in the same direction Itachi did.

Somewhat curious, Tobi hurried along the hall and stopped before the very last door. He knocked.

"What?" a muffled, irritated voice came from the other side.

"Hidan-san? It's Tobi. I'm ready for my initiation test!"

Silence at first, then a muffled curse.

"Come in."

Tobi cautiously opened the door and cautiously took a few steps inside. What he found was a tad alarming.

"Are you all right?" Tobi said in concern, finding Hidan lying flat on his back on the bloodstained floor, impaled with a metal pike.

"What the hell do you think?" the silver-haired man answered, struggling to sit up. Tobi hurried forward and gave him a hand, carefully depositing him into the nearest chair.

"Umm, what were you doing, Hidan-san?" Tobi asked a moment later. "If you don't mind me asking."

"Ritual thing," Hidan said shortly, reaching for the calendar tacked to the wall. "In addition to offering up my blood after every kill, I still have to do it once a month anyway."

Tobi retrieved the calendar for him and watched in curiousity as Hidan ran a bloodied finger down the page.

"Hmm…monthly bloodletting…check. Lamb slaughter…check. Hm, did I do that cleansing ritual? Oh yeah, I did. Heh. Anything else…?"

Tobi cocked his head to the side when Hidan's pale face suddenly went paler.

"…shit."

"Shit? Tobi echoed innocently.

"Shit," Hidan repeated, eyes wide. "I forgot this one."

Tobi leaned in closer to get a look at what Hidan was pointing to. He squinted at the scrawled, tiny writing.

"Virgin sacrifice?" Tobi said aloud.

Hidan suddenly shot to his feet, dropping the calendar. A second later, he lost his balance by slipping on the puddle of blood and went crashing into a desk. Tobi watched in dismay as Hidan fell solidly onto his rump, cursing up a storm.

"Damn…blood…" he gasped for breath, his hand against his chest as he struggled to stand.

Tobi helped him up, depositing him back into the chair.

"You don't look too good," Tobi commented, watching Hidan's face slowly go from pale to stark white.

Hidan grimaced, his voice dripping with sarcasm when he spoke.

"Oh no. Seriously?"

"Yeah," Tobi nodded somberly. "I think you need to see a doctor."

Hidan grimaced again, shaking his head before looking forlornly at his bloodstained calendar.

"I'm screwed."

"Umm, Hidan-san," Tobi said hesitantly. "I don't mean to sound insensitive…but are you going to give me an initiation test soon?"

Hidan's right eye twitched and just as he opened his mouth to retort, a thought occurred to him.

This guy…Tobi. He didn't seem too smart. Nor did he seem very cruel or powerful or cunning. Surely, he would fail all the other tests and die in the process. Was it necessary that he, Hidan, give him a test so trying and difficult when there were still five tests remaining, one of them being the Leader's?

No, Hidan realized. It wasn't necessary at all.

Tobi brightened considerably when a smile slowly replaced the grimace on Hidan's face.

"Listen," Hidan said, voice dripping with honey as he gestured for Tobi to take a seat. "I'll give you your test here and now."

"Really?" Tobi said brightly, plopping himself down in a chair. "What is it?"

"I'm in a bit of a tight spot," Hidan confessed, gesturing to the bleeding stab wound in his chest. "Because I need to complete one more ritual before midnight."

Tobi nodded exuberantly.

"What do you want me to do, Hidan-san?"

"Normally, I'd do this myself. But seeing as how I'm a bit"—Hidan suddenly went into a violent coughing fit, choking on the blood in his mouth.

"—_incapacitated,_" he continued hoarsely. "I need you to do this for me."

Tobi nodded once more, patting him consolingly on the back.

"I need you to get me a virgin," Hidan said brusquely, all traces of honey gone from his voice. "Preferably a girl. They struggle less."

"Virgin?" Tobi echoed. "For what?"

Hidan opened his mouth to answer but then reconsidered, eyeing the naïve, masked man warily.

"My brother is getting married," Hidan lied. "We need a virgin to perform the rites during the ceremony."

"Really?" Tobi gasped. "Your brother's getting married? If I pass your test, will you invite me to the wedding?"

Hidan stared at him in disbelief.

"Uh…sure."

"Great!" Tobi stood up, stepping over the puddle of blood on his way out. "One virgin, coming up!"

Hidan stared after Tobi when he departed, wondering how the _hell _ he managed to pass Kisame's test.

Tobi found himself having to explain his situation to the Leader when he was stopped on the way out.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To complete Hidan-san's task!" Tobi said proudly.

"…you passed Kisame's test?"

"Yes, sir!"

The Leader stared at him, slightly impressed.

"Fine. You may go, but Zetsu must follow. If you reveal our location to anyone, I will have your head."

"Okay," Tobi said airily, waving goodbye. "I'll be back soon!"

Tobi left the Akatsuki headquarters and headed into town, wondering where he should start looking. He was vaguely aware of Zetsu's presence as he wandered the streets, but focused more on the task at hand.

He had to try extra hard for Hidan-san, seeing as how the poor man was practically sick with anemia.

Tobi emerged onto a busy street, blissfully unaware of the strange looks he was getting as he passed through the crowd.

Then, a group of young teenage girls caught his eye and he confidently walked over to them.

One of them noticed him as he was nearing and Tobi wondered why she went from looking happy to looking terrified.

The other girls saw her expression and turned around, eyes widening when Tobi stopped and towered over them, his orange, swirly mask glinting in the sunlight.

"Hi," he said in a friendly voice. "Do any of you happen to be virgins?"

A second later, all five girls ran screaming onto the busy street, leaving Tobi to wonder what he'd done wrong.

An hour passed as Tobi wandered from store to store, stopping random women on the street to ask them if they were virgins. He didn't understand why they ran away or attempted to slap him, since he was asking very politely.

It was all very vexing.

A few women actually nodded in response to his question, one of them being a nun. But when he politely asked them to follow him, they also tended to turn tail and run.

Tobi wandered the streets for hours, beginning to worry a little as darkness fell. He had to find a virgin and fast. Time was running out.

He emerged onto a busy street, somewhat awed by the bright neon lights and bustling public. Couples were strolling around eating ice cream and holding hands and practically all the old people were missing.

That would increase his chances, most definitely.

He asked a few more women, sighing when they backed away from him or ran for their husbands or boyfriends. Fortunately, Tobi's height and mask seemed to intimidate the men and no one questioned him.

Finally, he crossed the street and walked towards the red lamps glowing on the street corners. He stopped when a heavily made-up woman caught his eye. She was leaning against the wall next to an alley and was smoking a cigarette.

Tobi stopped before her and scrutinized her, almost tempted to pull on that big bush of blonde hair to see if it came off. The woman exhaled a plume of smoke and looked up at him, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

"Hello there," Tobi said, in his most gentlemanly voice. "I apologize if this comes off as rude…but are you a virgin?"

The woman stared at him in silence. Then she grinned. Then she began to howl with laughter.

Tobi stood there patiently as she giggled hysterically.

"Ma'am?"

"Honey, if that's what you want, then sure. I can be a virgin," she said with a chortle.

Tobi was thrilled.

"Oh, really? Hidan-san will be delighted! Will you follow me, please?"

The woman's brow furrowed.

"Don't you wanna know what I charge?"

"Huh? Charge? For what?"

The woman stared at him in disbelief. Tobi shuffled his feet impatiently before reaching forward and taking her hand.

"I'm sure that Hidan-san will give you whatever you want," Tobi told her, tugging her arm as he started walking. "He's really nice."

The woman shrugged and followed.

When Tobi returned to the Akatsuki headquarters, he headed straight to the prayer room. He found Hidan sitting in the chair with his rosary, looking paler than ever.

"Finally!" he said in relief, tucking his rosary into his cloak. "What took you so long?"

Tobi shrugged sheepishly.

"They kept running away from me, Hidan-san. It was a really hard test but I managed to find one."

"Where is she?"

"Waiting outside the door."

"Good. Turn off the lights and tell her to come in. _You _ stay outside. Interrupt me, and you fail."

Tobi nodded.

"Right. I'll go get her."

The lights were turned off and the woman went to meet her maker. Tobi waited patiently outside the door, whistling to himself.

Half an hour later, Hidan emerged from the room looking relieved, finding Tobi sitting with his back to the wall and plucking at carpet lint.

"Hey swirl-face, good job."

Tobi looked up at the sound of his voice, scrambling to his feet.

"Does that mean I pass?" he asked excitedly.

Hidan nodded tiredly, wincing when Tobi let out a loud whoop and jumped joyously on the spot.

"Yeah, yeah. Congratulations. Do me another favour and call Zetsu. I'm too tired to get rid of the corpse," Hidan muttered, rubbing his forehead.

"Sure thing," Tobi chirped, then added, "I can't believe my luck, Hidan-san. I was about to give up but I finally found a lady who said she could be a virgin."

Hidan nodded unconsciously.

"Yeah, they're hard to find in this day and age"—he stopped, suddenly, brow furrowing when he realized what Tobi had said.

"Wait, a lady who said she _could _be a virgin?"

"Yup!" Tobi nodded. "She also said something about a charge but I told her you'd take care of it."

Whatever little blood that remained in Hidan's face drained out.

"Tobi, where did you find that woman?"

"Quite far from here," Tobi admitted. "Zetsu-san told me the directions. Without him, I would've gotten lost."

Hidan trembled.

"_Where _ did you find her? Which street?"

Tobi thought for a moment, then put his finger in the air when he remembered.

"The red light district!" he answered, proud for remembering.

Hidan stared at him, saying nothing. By now, his face had gone stark white. When he finally spoke, his voice came out painfully small.

"…you brought me a _whore_?"

"No," Tobi corrected, still holding his finger up. "A _virgin_."

Hidan's breath shortened. Then he began to hyperventilate.

"You…you…" he wheezed, clutching his chest as he staggered forward, eyes full of murderous intent. "You _idiot_!"

"Ah! Hidan-san!" Tobi cried when blood spurted from the man's chest and he stumbled, catching the wall's edge as Tobi rushed to help him.

"Damn it," he said weakly, sweat building on his forehead. "I must have hit an artery or something…_seriously_."

Then he fainted.

Tobi caught him, panicking when Hidan's head lolled onto his shoulder, skin paler than the white half of Zetsu's face.

"Kakuzu-san!" he cried, scooping Hidan up into his arms bridal style, sprinting down the hall. "Help!"

Kakuzu opened the door and was practically knocked down when Tobi rushed into the room, gingerly placing Hidan on his bed.

Kakuzu sighed as Tobi frantically tried to stop the bleeding.

"What are you so worried about? You don't even know the guy."

"Kakuzu-san!" Tobi cried, mortified. "He's your _partner_."

The masked man looked at him nonchalantly.

"So?"

"So…we have to help him!"

Kakuzu stared at him before sitting back down on his bed, a calculator and balance sheet in hand.

"Yeah. You do that."

"Don't you care whether he lives or dies?" Tobi cried, aghast.

Kakuzu shrugged.

"Not really. He's a pain in the ass and he was asking for it, stabbing himself like that. Besides," Kakuzu looked up, looking annoyed. "The bastard refuses to die. He'll be fine by tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" Tobi said worriedly, looking down at Hidan's ashen face.

"Positive."

"Okay then, if you say so," Tobi mumbled, subdued.

"Did you pass Hidan's test?"

Tobi thought a moment before answering.

"Well, he said I did…but then I told him something about the lady and he got mad. He fainted before he could say anything else, though."

Kakuzu looked up, somewhat surprised.

"Is that so? Then you've cleared two tests."

Tobi nodded, brightening somewhat at being acknowledged for his efforts.

"Kakuzu-san, I believe you're supposed to give me a test, next," Tobi reminded him.

The masked man nodded absently.

"Yes. Tomorrow. It's late now."

When Tobi didn't take that as a hint to leave, Kakuzu looked up, finding the masked man staring intently at Hidan.

"I told you, he'll be fine."

"I don't know…" Tobi said doubtfully, poking the unconscious man in the arm. "He looks really weak. Maybe I should…"

Kakuzu canted his head in curiousity when Tobi trailed off.

"Maybe you should what?"

* * *

Hidan woke the next morning, alive and feeling relatively well, or, as well as one could feel after losing three liters of blood.

He also found himself feeling unusually warm and comfortable, vaguely wondering how that was possible when his mattress was rock hard.

And, he noticed, brow furrowing. He felt dry. No blood. No metallic smell.

Hidan shifted, freezing when he realized he was swathed in a blanket, naked except for his black boxers.

His breath hitched in alarm when he tried to move his arm and found it pinned beneath something warm and heavy. He glanced up, and felt the blood drain out of his face.

Tobi stared at him, his masked face inches from his own as he spoke.

"Hidan-san!" he said brightly. "You're all right!"

He was in Tobi's bed. Tobi was in the bed with him. And Tobi was _holding _ him.

Oh. Oh _God_.

Hidan took a few shuddering, gasping breaths, each growing shorter than the last before he reeled back and screamed bloody murder.

* * *

Note: Reviews would be lovely? XD 


	3. Kakuzu is Thrifty

One of the Cool Kids ch.3

By: firefly

Note: It's Kakuzu's turn! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far and be ready for Itachi's turn in chapter four. XD

**One of the Cool Kids**

When Kakuzu woke abruptly to the sound of Hidan screaming, he sighed and _knew_ today would not be a good day. He raised his head slightly off the pillow and squinted at the doorway, quirking a brow when Hidan suddenly came stumbling into the room, half-naked and looking traumatized.

Kakuzu sighed again and threw off the blankets.

"What happened?"

Hidan only made a garbled, hysterical sort of sound in his throat before he grabbed his rosary and ran out of the room, disappearing into the prayer room and slamming the door shut behind him.

"Freak," Kakuzu muttered, rubbing his eyes as he got out of bed.

A moment later, the cause of Hidan's hysteria appeared at the door in his penguin-print pajamas.

"Good morning, Kakuzu-san," Tobi greeted, waving. "Have you see Hidan-san? I have his clothes. He shouldn't be running around half-naked like that. He could catch a cold."

Kakuzu cocked his head to the side, eyeing Tobi warily. He was well aware that today was his turn to administer an initiation test, and after seeing what happened to both Kisame and Hidan, Kakuzu decided to be extra careful.

His outward appearance and antics were very deceiving, Kakuzu realized. This _Tobi_ was actually a rather volatile fellow.

"Hidan is in the prayer room," Kakuzu said flatly, then added. "It's best not to disturb him right now."

"All right," Tobi said, coming into the room to set Hidan's clothes down on his bed. Kakuzu watched in bewilderment when Tobi paused long enough to fluff the pillows and organize the little items on the bedside table.

These types are the most dangerous, Kakuzu thought, eyes hardening. Tobi was clearly a master of deception and although he looked and sounded much like a fruitcake, he may have actually been just as cold-hearted and ruthless as Itachi—or worse, the Leader.

"Would you like some breakfast, Kakuzu-san?" Tobi's airy voice broke into his thoughts.

"Breakfast?"

"Yes! I made waffles," Tobi said brightly as Kakuzu followed him out of the room. "Are there any strawberries in the fridge?"

By the time they made it downstairs to the kitchen, Itachi, Deidara, Kisame, and the Leader were already seated at the dining table. Zetsu was off catching his breakfast in the form of some unfortunate passerby, and Hidan, of course, was upstairs having a nervous breakdown.

It had taken an hour for Tobi to explain to Kisame that the waffles were shark-condiment-free. He'd even listed all the ingredients he used and once the shark man was totally reassured, he tentatively sat down and ate tiny bits and pieces off Itachi's plate.

Deidara was in a sour mood. He had also been rudely awakened by Hidan's hysterical screaming and as retribution, wanted to tell Tobi that his waffles tasted like clay. But that was difficult when the mouths on his hands were attacking the waffles with great gusto, consuming bits of the plate in their enthusiasm.

Deidara grudgingly admitted it to himself too, in the end. The waffles _were_ pretty damn good.

Itachi ate enough to fill his stomach (two waffles) and said nothing, remaining seated until the others finished. Nobody found that surprising, since the Uchiha had a stomach of steel and could sustain himself on a bag of flour if he had to.

The Leader didn't eat. Nobody had _ever_ seen the Leader eat. He would just sit at the table every morning and stare over the pages of the newspaper, watching them like a hawk.

Kakuzu took his seat near the Leader and winced when Tobi served him breakfast, inwardly mourning the amount of money that probably went into buying the eggs, flour, milk, butter, and most expensive all, the pure vanilla extract.

"I have some news, Kakuzu," the Leader suddenly spoke, lowering his newspaper. "About that little transaction we made with the missing nins from the Marsh country."

"What is it, sir?"

"Turns out they want their cash now," the Leader said flatly. "In the form of gold coins, no less."

Kakuzu felt his blood run cold.

"But I have a meeting with the missing nins from Swamp today," he said slowly.

"I'm aware," the Leader said icily. "But listen here. If those Marsh nins don't get their bounty today, we will not get the information we need on the Jinchuuriki. If we don't get the information on the Jinchuuriki, we won't be able to find it. And if we can't find it…do you want to know what'll happen next?"

Kakuzu swallowed. "What, sir?"

"I kill you." the Leader responded calmly, hands folded in his lap. "_Slowly_."

Kakuzu opened his mouth to speak but the Leader cut him off.

"And don't even think about canceling the meeting with the Swamp nins. We need that new shipment of silk. It's about time we updated the uniform."

The masked man closed his mouth and slowly nodded, remaining seated even after the Leader, Deidara, Kisame, and Itachi left the table. Outwardly, he appeared to be calm and collected, but inwardly he was in a state of total panic.

The Leader wanted the silk from the Swamp nins, so he had to get that today. But then the Marsh nins wanted their money today, too, and in the form of gold coins. _How_ was he supposed to be in two places at once?

"Kakuzu-san, could you pass me your plate, please?"

The masked man started and looked up, finding Tobi standing at the sink, elbow-deep in soap suds.

"I want to wash the plates before the syrup sticks," Tobi explained, when Kakuzu gave him a blank stare. They watched each other in silence for nearly five seconds before it dawned on Kakuzu.

_This_ could be Tobi's initiation test—getting the cash exchanged for gold coins. Kakuzu could come back in time from his meeting with the Swamp nins, pick up the gold coins from Tobi, then deliver them straight to the Marsh nins. No one would be the wiser.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you," Tobi said after Kakuzu handed him his plate, whistling as he washed the dishes.

"I have decided what your initiation test will be, Tobi," Kakuzu said, crossing his arms. "Think you're ready for it?"

"Of course!" Tobi said, waving the dish sponge enthusiastically. Soap suds went splattering in all directions, including on Kakuzu's face. Tobi apologized repeatedly as the masked man calmly wiped the soap off.

"Finish up here and we will begin immediately," Kakuzu said shortly, turning around. He paused, then added for extra effect. "Be prepared to die."

"All righty," Tobi responded cheerily.

Kakuzu sighed and left the kitchen.

When they met up again outside the headquarters, Kakuzu got straight to business.

"Your task is to go exchange this bag of cash," Kakuzu thrust the bag at Tobi. "—for gold coins. I did the calculations and this amount of money is equivalent to approximately 344 gold pieces. You will get that exact amount—no more, no less. You will not spend a single cent of this money and will not be distracted by whatever merchandise you see. Just get the gold coins and come back. That's _it_. Understand?"

"Yes, Kakuzu-san!" Tobi nodded, clutching the bag of money as if it were a newborn. "I will protect this money with my life and get you your gold coins."

"Good. You must _not_ screw this up, Tobi. If you do, Leader-sama will kill us both." Kakuzu paused. "_Slowly_."

"No problem, Kakuzu-san. I will have exactly 344 gold coins for you when I get back. Just one question. Where am I supposed to get the cash exchanged?"

"Here's the address." Kakuzu handed him a slip of paper. "There's a man there who operates a black market. He should be living in the basement of this shop at the moment, and his current disguise name is _Daichi_. Just ask for him and say Kakuzu sent you."

Tobi nodded once more, stuffing the slip of paper into his pocket before saluting.

"You can count on me, Kakuzu-san!"

"Good. Now get out of here and be back as soon as possible."

"Right! Bye bye," Tobi waved, taking off at lightning-speed through the trees. Kakuzu stared after him for a moment, going over the instructions in his head. A moment later, he breathed a sigh of relief. His instructions were simple and absolutely foolproof.

There was no way Tobi could screw this up.

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It took Tobi an hour to reach his destination, and he slowed to a complete stop when he reached the market place.

The money was held possessively against his chest, and he shook his fist menacingly at anyone who looked at him crooked.

This test would be a breeze.

He pulled the slip of paper from his pocket and slowly walked forward, glancing at the store names and address numbers. A few minutes later, he found the right one and wandered in.

A bell chimed over the door when he entered, and an old man looked up from where he sat behind a counter, throwing Tobi a wrinkly, kind grin.

"Welcome. Please take your time looking around our store. If you buy a candy bar, you get the second one half off."

"I'm sorry," Tobi said politely. "I'm here to meet someone."

"Oh? Who?"

Tobi opened his mouth to answer, but paused when he realized that he'd forgotten the name. Was it Dichi? Or Dochi? Or was it…_Daichi_?

"Yes, Daichi. Is he here, by any chance?"

"Ohh, Daichi?" the old man said ponderously, hopping off his stool and wandering over. "He's our tenant, all right. But I'm afraid he's out at the moment."

"Out?" Tobi echoed, deflating slightly. "Do you know when he'll be back?"

The old man shook his head. "Oh boy. He won't be coming back till next week—said he doesn't have any 'meetings'till then."

_Uh oh_, Tobi thought to himself. _Kakuzu-san was supposed to see him next week…and now he's not here. But I can't go back empty-handed, because I'll fail my test and Kakuzu-san will be disappointed in me. Oh, and, Leader-sama will kill us. That won't be fun._

Tobi shuffled his feet and looked around the store, trying to sort his thoughts. There were little knick-knacks and toys, cheap kitchenware, seasonings and spices, candy, chocolate, cigarettes, and—

"Gold!" Tobi gasped, when his eyes fell on the crate of glistening gold in the corner.

He quickly headed over there, repressing the urge to jump for joy when the sight of hundreds of gold coins met his eyes.

"Oh, want some of those?" the storeowner asked, heading over.

"Yes," Tobi said, nodding earnestly. "I see what happened. Daichi must have trusted you to take care of his gold while he was gone, since you're his landlord."

The old man's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Gold? But that's"—

"Do you think it'll be okay if I make the transaction with you?" Tobi asked excitedly. "I have the cash equivalent of 344 gold coins. Kakuzu-san sent me."

"_Who_?_"_

"Okay," Tobi said brightly, grabbing the man's arm and dragging him over to the counter. "We'll make the exchange here and now. Kakuzu-san will be so proud of me!"

"But sonny, I don't know what you're"—the storeowner was cut off when Tobi dumped the entire bag of cash onto the counter. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

"This…this is…" he stammered.

"Cash, in exchange for the gold coins," Tobi reminded him. "Kakuzu-san said it's equivalent to 344 gold pieces. Could you go get them for me?"

"But…"

"Please? I'm in a hurry and I _need_ those gold coins."

"But they're not"—

"Sir!" Tobi cried, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and shaking him. "This is a matter of life and death!"

The old man stared at him, dumbfounded, before nodding slowly. Tobi released him and he ran over to the crate, gathering exactly 344 pieces and putting them in a sack.

"Thank you," Tobi said, bowing when the old man handed him the sack, staring at him in disbelief. "You've helped me out greatly."

"But sonny…are you sure about this? All that cash for _that_?" he said incredulously, pointing to the sack.

"Yes," Tobi said seriously, hefting the sack onto his shoulder. "As I said, it's a matter of life and death. You've saved two lives today, sir."

The old man scratched his head in bewilderment.

"If you say so…"

"Thank you," Tobi said, leaning down to hug the old man. "Goodbye and good luck with your shop!"

The storeowner stared after Tobi after he left, the bell jingling cheerily upon his departure.

_Good luck with your shop? _

Hell, with all the money he'd gotten today, he could retire. And until his dying day, the old man would go on believing that Tobi was some kind of angel sent from above.

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"I'm back!" Tobi sang when he threw the door open, bounding over to the common room where Kakuzu was waiting.

Tobi set the sack down on the table and Kakuzu leaned forward, opening it with a feeling of foreboding. He sagged back in relief, however, when he saw that the sack really did contain gold coins—and rather large ones, at that.

"There are exactly 344 pieces," Tobi said proudly. "I checked it myself."

Kakuzu glanced at the time and felt some of his anxiety return. The meeting time with the Marsh nins was near and he had to leave now if he was to make it on time. He could save the questions regarding the transaction with Daichi for later.

"Good," Kakuzu said, standing. "You passed your test, Tobi."

Tobi suppressed the urge to do a little dance and instead hugged Kakuzu, cracking the man's ribs with his bone-crushing embrace.

"Thank you so much!"

"All right. Just let go of me," Kakuzu croaked, stumbling back when Tobi happily obliged.

He was in such a hurry to leave and get away from Tobi, that he didn't notice the lightness of the sack on his way out.

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"About time," one of the Marsh nins snapped, when Kakuzu came into sight. "Give us the gold."

"No," Kakuzu said coolly. "Not until you give me the information regarding the Jinchuuriki."

The man sneered.

"Feh. Seeing as how there's no point in keeping it from you…it's a girl by the name of Yugito, from the Cloud village."

Kakuzu felt triumphant.

"Got a description?"

"Yeah. She's a chick. Now gimme the money."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Fine."

He tossed him the sack and all five of them pounced on it, tearing it open and laughing appreciatively when the coins spilled onto the ground.

Kakuzu had just taken a few steps on his way out when he heard an enraged cry from behind him.

"What the hell is this?"

He turned around and found the men glaring poison in his direction, the gold forgotten on the floor.

Kakuzu was annoyed.

"What is it now? You've got your gold."

"Gold?" one of them snarled. "You call _this_…gold?"

Kakuzu's eyes widened when one of them threw a gold coin at him and it bounced off his chest, falling to the floor with an oddly muffled thump. A sense of panic and nausea overcame him when he slowly reached down and picked up the coin.

It felt…papery.

He ran a thumb over the face of the coin and froze when he heard a crinkling sound. He turned the coin over and found that his nail had snagged under the gold leafing.

Wide-eyed, he tore off the gold foil and stared in disbelief at what laid in his palm.

Chocolate.

Tobi had brought him 344 chocolate coins.

"…shit," Kakuzu muttered.

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"I passed," Tobi sang as he burst into the common room, startling Deidara into dropping his clay bird. "I passed Kakuzu-san's test!"

"Congratulations," Deidara said sourly, turning his back to him. "Now be quiet, un. I need to concentrate."

Tobi turned towards the others, grinning widely behind his mask.

"Itachi-san, I passed!"

"Hn."

"Kisame-san, I passed!"

"…okay."

"Zetsu-san, I passed!"

"Good for you."

"Leader-sama, I passed!"

"So I've heard," the Leader said blankly.

Tobi stopped celebrating long enough to notice that someone was missing.

"Where's Hidan-san?"

"Upstairs. Crying."

"Oh…I'll go cheer him up by telling him I passed!" Tobi declared. Just as he was about to turn around and head upstairs, the front door swung open and bounced off the wall with a dull thud.

All eyes turned towards the doorway and the haggard, limping figure that came staggering into the room.

"What the hell happened to you?" Deidara broke the silence, staring wide-eyed at the bedraggled man standing before him.

Kakuzu's cloak was covered in shoe prints, was torn in several places, and was missing the right sleeve. His headgear was totally lopsided and he had a black eye. And every time he moved, a faint cracking sound could be heard issuing from the left side of his body.

"Kakuzu-san!" Tobi gasped, rushing over to him. "Why do you look so beat up?"

Kakuzu's voice shook with suppressed fury when he spoke, his voice venomous.

"Because I _was_ beat up."

"What? Why?" Tobi cried.

Kakuzu clutched the left side of his body as he slowly reached into his pocket, withdrawing two gold coins. Tobi slowly took them from him and gave him a questioning look.

"Open it," Kakuzu hissed.

Tobi hesitated before scraping his thumbnail against one of them. To everyone's surprise, the gold foil gave away and Tobi found himself holding a piece of chocolate.

Silence. Then...

"Kakuzu-san," Tobi said, voice shaking with emotion. "Did you get this for Tobi because he passed your test?"

Kakuzu gaped at him.

"_What_? No!"

"Thank you so much," Tobi said tearfully, before cramming the chocolate into the hole in his mask. He chewed a few times and then sighed in delight.

"Mmm, chocolate."

"You…you stupid…moronic..." Kakuzu hissed, limping towards Tobi, hands rising from his sides.

Tobi looked up then stood straighter, arms outstretching.

"Aww, you want to hug me, Kakuzu-san? I'm so happy!"

Kakuzu made a muffled, yelping noise when Tobi enveloped him into a bone-crushing hug, and everyone in the room, including the Leader, winced simultaneously when a loud _crack_ resounded throughout the room.

When Tobi released him, Kakuzu collapsed face-first onto the floor, motionless.

Deidara stared at the unmoving body before looking up at Tobi in horrified awe.

"You killed him, un."

"He's not dead," Zetsu said from the side. "Still smells alive."

"Get him out of here," the Leader said impatiently, waving a hand at Zetsu to remove Kakuzu from the room. "We'll question him for information tomorrow."

Tobi scratched his head as Kakuzu was carried out, then looked at the occupants of the room. A grin slowly formed behind his mask when he approached the fireplace.

"Hello, Itachi-san!"

The Uchiha slowly looked up when a shadow fell over him, eyes meeting with Tobi's orange, swirly mask.

"I can't wait to see what your test will be," Tobi said cheerfully.

Itachi said nothing, staring at the masked man with impassive eyes.

Kisame watched from the corner, eyes widening when Tobi plopped down next to Itachi on the couch, offering him the other chocolate coin.

Tomorrow's test would be most interesting, indeed.


	4. Itachi is Myopic

One of the Cool Kids ch.4

By: firefly

Note: Haha, it's finally Mr. Uchiha's turn! I know quite a few of you have been looking forward to this chapter, so I hope you like it. Also, there are spoilers in this chapter concerning Itachi's Sharingan from the time jump. Just thought I'd warn ya. And as always, reviews would be love!

**One of the Cool Kids**

All was quiet in the Akatsuki headquarters. There was no breeze and no twitter of birds outside the window, and the only noise in the house came in the form of muffled snoring.

The dorm rooms were closed and each member was sound asleep—save for Kakuzu, as he was more in a comatose stupor than anything else.

Silence. Then—

"Good morning, Itachi-san!" Tobi sang at the top of his lungs, bursting into the Uchiha's room and flicking on the light. "I made French toast!"

"Gah!" Kisame woke abruptly at the sound of Tobi's enthusiastic greeting, momentarily blinded by the bright light. Shielding his eyes, he rolled off the bed and hit the floor with a loud thump, tangled up in his blanket.

Oblivious to Kisame's groan of pain, Tobi flounced over to Itachi's bedside and stood over the unmoving Uchiha, grinning widely behind his mask.

"Rise and shine, Itachi-san," Tobi said cheerfully, as the Uchiha stirred. "It's time for my initiation test!"

"It's five-thirty in the morning…" Kisame groaned from the other side of the room.

Itachi continued lying there on his backside, free of a blanket and clad in a black t-shirt and shorts. His hand slowly rose from his side and towards his sleeping mask, which he tugged up a fraction to reveal one squinting, dark eye.

"Turn off the lights," he spoke, voice blank. "I can't see."

"Okay." Tobi obliged him by turning off the obscenely bright lights, settling for pulling the chain on a small bedside lamp.

Itachi slowly sat up, removing his sleeping mask.

"I made you breakfast, Itachi-san," Tobi said happily as Itachi stood up. "I wasn't sure if you wanted orange juice or milk so I set out both on the table and…"

Tobi trailed off when Itachi slowly brushed past him and opened the dorm room door, shuffling down the hallway towards the bathroom.

"That's odd."

"Huh?" Tobi turned around, finding Kisame tucked back into bed with a curious expression on his face. "What's odd, Kisame-san?"

"If anyone else did what you did just now, he would've killed them," Kisame replied, scratching at his unruly hair. "But he didn't."

Tobi thought for a moment.

"Maybe…maybe Itachi-san likes me!" he said, tone hopeful. "Maybe he thinks I'm worthy of his respect!"

"Nah," Kisame said carelessly, rolling onto his side. "Must be a rule about not killing prospective members or something. Itachi doesn't like _anyone_."

"Really? Not even you?"

Kisame scowled.

"Get out of my room."

"Okay. But one more question, Kisame-san!"

"What?"

"Why does Itachi-san wear a sleeping mask?"

Kisame stared at Tobi for a few seconds in silence, face expressionless. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet.

"I don't see any harm in telling you, because you're definitely not coming back alive from Itachi's test. Don't tell him I said anything, though…"

"Okay," Tobi nodded exuberantly. "I promise I won't tell. Cross my heart."

Kisame grinned wryly.

"His eyes are going bad. He uses that whacked eye technique of his too much and it's done a number on his eyesight."

"Really?" Tobi said in dismay. "Poor Itachi-san. Is he…sensitive about it?"

"Pfft," Kisame snorted and stared at the ceiling. "Itachi? _Sensitive_? What do you think? The guy killed his entire family without blinking an eye and you think he'd be _sensitive_?"

Tobi shrugged helplessly.

"Maybe he wants to talk about it but he's too shy?" he suggested.

Kisame turned his head and gave the masked man an incredulous look. But then that look faded as a grin slowly appeared on his face.

"Tobi, I think you're right. Since he probably likes you, you should try and ask him about it today. See what he says."

"Really, Kisame-san?" Tobi breathed, sparkly-eyed behind his mask. "Me?"

"Oh yeah," Kisame nodded seriously. "It'll be good for him, trust me."

"All right!" Tobi declared, straightening. "I shall bring Itachi-san out of his shell, just you watch. Thanks for your advice, Kisame-san!"

Before the shark man could say anything else, Tobi turned on his heel and bolted out the door.

Kisame closed his mouth and laid his head back down against the pillow, smirking.

Oh yeah. Tobi was a dead man—this time for sure.

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Itachi ate his fill of two servings and flatly refused when Tobi offered him more French toast. Although it irked Tobi to have to leave the dishes unwashed, he still ran dutifully after the Uchiha when he left the kitchen.

Before they left the headquarters, though, Tobi made one more trip to his room to grab a few items, stashing them into his pockets before dashing off to follow Itachi.

A few moments later, both of them were traveling at high speed through the forest.

"So what are we going to do, Itachi-san?" Tobi asked breathlessly as he tried to keep up with the Uchiha. "Want me to make you lunch? Find you a virgin? Pick up some money?"

"No," Itachi said blandly, keeping his gaze straight ahead. "Be silent and follow me."

"Whatever you say, Itachi-san!" Tobi said brightly, and then added, more quietly, "You know, if you want to talk about anything…I'm willing to listen, okay?"

Itachi didn't bother deigning him with a reply and Tobi sighed inwardly, following him the rest of the way in silence.

When they finally stopped, Tobi found himself standing in what looked like the slums of some town. There were broken sake bottles littering the ground, a house was in flames across the street, and vulgar curses could be heard issuing from the dwelling ahead.

"Um, Itachi-san…" Tobi said hesitantly. "What am I supposed to do here?"

"The others issued you simple requests in the guise of tests. They were not _actual _ initiation tests. I assure you that if they were, you'd be dead by now. I have no approaching deadlines or transactions and I am not hungry. I will give you a real initiation test," Itachi said tonelessly.

Tobi scratched his head, slightly miffed by Itachi's response.

"So what do I"—

"First you will head into that pub and kill everyone residing inside. This is to test your capabilities as an assassin."

"Kill?" Tobi repeated blankly. "Everyone…?"

"This is not the real test," Itachi said monotonously. "This is only to see if you have what it takes to be considered for the organization. It's standard procedure."

"But…"

"They are vagabonds and petty criminals," Itachi interrupted. "That means there may be a few stolen items of value kept inside. Bring those with you."

Tobi closed his mouth in resignation. He slowly turned around and slowly made his way up to the door. When he entered, the cursing, jeering, and shouting died instantly into an eerie hush.

"Hi," Tobi said, almost nervously. "Can you all please give me your valuables?"

"Who the hell are you?" some drunk slurred, staggering up to him. "The police?"

"No," he corrected politely. "I'm Tobi."

"_Who_?" the man roared.

Tobi racked his brain, wondering what he should say, then perked up when a light bulb appeared over his head.

"I'm from the Akatsuki," he said gravelly. "Give me all your valuables if you want to live."

"Oh yeah?" another man jeered. "I've never seen you around before. And where's your fancy cloak, eh?"

"Um…" Tobi faltered, at a loss for words. "It's at the dry cleaner's…?"

"Ehehehe," the man snickered, whipping out a switchblade when he got to his feet. The others, eight more dirty, mean-looking men advanced on him, drawing their weapons.

"Die!" One of them bellowed, lunging at him with a knife. Tobi ducked and ran for it, knocking over tables and chairs as he ran around the pub, gathering as many of the valuables he could find each time he circled the room with the drunks in mad pursuit.

"He's stealing our stuff!"

"You stole it first!" Tobi cried back, leaping over a table. His foot hit a bag sitting on the tabletop, knocking it to the ground and spilling its contents—two kunai, wrapping tape, three scrolls, and four exploding notes.

Tobi skidded to a stop when the group turned and started chasing him from the other direction. Flustered and panicked, he turned around and leapt back over the same table, knocking over a lamp in the process.

Clutching the valuables to his chest, Tobi pulled over as many tables and chairs as he could to impede their path, unaware of the small flames accumulating near the exploding notes.

Kicking over one last stool, he burst through the tavern door and slammed it shut behind him, running for dear life as a shout of alarm sounded from behind the closed door.

A beat, and then the exploding notes ignited.

Itachi blinked, his hair whipping past his face when the pub was blown sky high, the explosion particularly violent because of the alcohol stored inside. Tobi went flying from the force of the blast and landed near Itachi's feet as debris went flying in all directions.

An enormous mushroom cloud ascended into the sky and Itachi said nothing as Tobi sat up, gasping for breath and still holding onto the valuables as if his life depended on it.

"…next time, choose a less conspicuous way to dispose of your target," was all Itachi said before turning around and walking away.

"Itachi-san," Tobi squeaked, staggering after him. "Wait for me!"

As they walked to their next destination, Tobi noticed Itachi blinking rapidly. His eyes seemed unfocused at some points and he'd rub at them furtively, his face as expressionless as ever.

Tobi felt a surge of determination.

"Ne, Itachi-san…are you all right?"

"Hn."

"You know, we can talk if something's bothering you."

"Hn."

"…am I bothering you?"

"Yes."

"…wanna talk about it?"

"No."

A sigh. Then Tobi stuffed his hand into his pocket, pulling out a peppermint candy a moment later.

"Here, Itachi-san."

"I don't want it."

"If you take it, I'll be quiet the rest of the way."

A moment later, Itachi popped the peppermint candy into his mouth and kept walking, with Tobi smiling widely and following happily from behind.

Within the next three hours, he completed two more trials. The second trial was a test of stealth, requiring Tobi to recover a forbidden scroll from a highly secure holding facility—which he did by strolling in past the sleeping guard. He returned happily and miraculously unscathed, presenting Itachi with the scroll and a yellow lollipop.

_ Fluke_, Itachi told himself.

The third trial was a test of strength, in which Tobi was supposed to enter a small shinobi village and bring back the head of the village's strongest shinobi.

If possible, Itachi's face became even more impassive when Tobi emerged from the village gates, lugging the head of an enormous, stone sculpture behind him with small school children hanging off his arms and legs, beating him futilely and begging for him to _please put our leader's head back in the village square! _

"Here, Itachi-san," Tobi panted, collapsing against the stone head. "I brought you the head of their strongest shinobi."

Itachi said nothing because technically, Tobi hadn't done anything wrong. He settled for wondering how a man could be so cunning and yet so stupid at the same time.

An hour later, and they were back at the rocky landscape surrounding the Akatsuki headquarters. Itachi lead him to the top of a cliff and Tobi stood there, looking around and scratching his head in confusion.

"Itachi-san, what are we doing up here? Did you want to show me the scenery or something?"

"Your test," Itachi said, turning to face Tobi. "—is to fight me."

"Fight you?" Tobi echoed, cocking his head to the side.

"Yes. There will be a time limit of five minutes. If you're still breathing when the time expires, you will pass your test," Itachi said, deadpan. "But I can tell you now, you are going to die."

"You're going to kill me, Itachi-san?" Tobi said in disbelief. "I thought we were friends!"

Itachi just stared at him.

"Any last requests? It's customary to ask that of the candidates before they die."

Tobi hesitated, then looked down over the cliff when he noticed a few figures congregating on the rocks below. The entire organization had come out to watch the fight, including the Leader.

"Itachi-san's going to murder him, un," Deidara snickered from where he perched on his boulder. "Isn't that right, Leader-sama?"

"Most likely, yes," the Leader answered, staring up at the two figures on the cliff. "Itachi is one of the reasons we have had no new members for the past few years. He will destroy him."

Kakuzu hobbled up on his crutches to stand next to Kisame and Hidan—who still held a slightly wild-eyed look as he clutched his rosary to his chest.

"I hope he dies," Kakuzu remarked in an offhand way.

"For once," Hidan said through gritted teeth. "I agree with you. Seriously."

Kisame concurred. "Same here."

Zetsu gave all three of them admonishing looks. "He made you _waffles_."

"He broke my _ribs_," Kakuzu retorted.

"He fed me _shark fin _soup," Kisame grumbled.

"He undressed me and we slept in the same _bed_!" Hidan practically shrieked.

The black half of Zetsu's face made a rasping noise of apology.

"_Point taken_."

Back on the cliff, Tobi was in a state of turmoil. Here was Itachi, offering him one last chance to make a request and nothing was coming to mind.

Tobi glanced at the Uchiha and his expressionless face, brow furrowing behind his mask.

_ The guy killed his entire family without blinking an eye and you think he'd be **sensitive**. _

"Itachi-san," Tobi said hesitantly, taking a few steps forward. "Kisame-san said you killed your whole family…is that true?"

"Yes," Itachi answered without hesitance, voice toneless. "Is that all?"

Tobi shook his head, taking another step closer.

"You have no family left, Itachi-san?"

Itachi said nothing for a few seconds. When he spoke, his voice was carefully neutral.

"I have a brother."

"Do you miss him?"

"I care for nothing and no one," Itachi replied. "Him included."

"That's too bad," Tobi said sheepishly, now standing directly before the Uchiha. "Because you'd be a cool older brother. If I could, I'd call you Aniki."

Not a single muscle twitched in Itachi's face for a full thirty seconds and for a moment, Tobi thought the Sharingan-user had fallen asleep with his eyes open.

"Itachi-san…?" he said somewhat nervously, prodding the Uchiha.

Itachi blinked, then slowly, almost furtively, lifted his right hand from his side. Tobi squeezed his eyes shut, thinking the time to meet his maker had arrived at last, and braced himself.

_ Poke._

Tobi took a stumbling step backwards in surprise, hand rising to his forehead as Itachi's arm lowered back to his side.

"Itachi-san…?" he said in wonderment.

"I will make this quick," Itachi spoke, his voice quiet. "Prepare yourself."

"Wait!" Tobi cried, putting his hand up. "I haven't made my request!"

Itachi didn't wait and the liquid black of his eyes spiraled into crimson as he activated Mangekyou Sharingan. Tobi's attention was elsewhere, as he was stuffing his hands into his pockets, trying to find something.

"Ah, got it!" he said in triumph, removing the object from his pocket.

_ Tsukuyomi_, Itachi mouthed as Tobi finally glanced up, making eye contact and thus sealing his fate.

…

Or so Itachi thought.

Something went horribly wrong.

A millisecond after Tobi made eye contact with Itachi, he raised the object he was holding and pressed his finger down on the button.

_ FLASH._

Itachi's eyes widened in surprise, his pupils instantly narrowing to the size of pinheads as an obscenely bright light slammed into his corneas like a ton of bricks.

He staggered as Tsukuyomi went haywire, thrusting him and Tobi into the world of crimson and inverted colours. The floor beneath him rose and fell like waves, pulsing and stretching and throbbing in tune with the excruciating agony in his eyes.

Grasping his head with both hands, he collapsed onto his side and squinted up through shocked, partially closed eyes at the figure standing before him.

Tobi stood there in bewilderment, holding a camera and looking around at his odd surroundings as he tried to keep his balance on the pulsating ground.

"Itachi-san?" Tobi said curiously. "Why are you on the floor holding your head like that? Is this some sort of genjutsu?"

Itachi couldn't answer, couldn't see, couldn't move, couldn't do _anything _as his own technique turned on him, unable to turn _off _ as his eyes focused and unfocused sporadically.

A camera. Tobi had turned one of Itachi's most powerful techniques against him with a _camera_.

Down below the cliff, the Leader blinked in surprise and Kisame swore in disbelief when Itachi staggered suddenly, holding his head as Tobi remained motionless.

"Did you see anything?" Kakuzu demanded, poking Hidan. "What did Tobi do to hurt him?"

"I just saw a…a…" Hidan stammered, pointing and gesturing aimlessly. "Seriously, I think I saw…"

"What, man?" Deidara yelped, shaking him.

Hidan looked puzzled.

"I could've sworn I saw a camera flash."

Within the second that passed in reality, nearly 72 hours had passed in Itachi's inverted-colour world.

He remained lying there on the Jello-like ground, having endured the agony for nearly 72 hours as Tobi wandered around poking at his surroundings and wondering why the test was taking so long.

"Itachi-san," Tobi said hesitantly, prodding the motionless Uchiha on the ground. "Is the test over yet? It's been so long and I know I haven't done anything, but I'm tired and I'm hungry."

Itachi was obviously in no state to answer. He only made a muffled, high-pitched noise that made Tobi back away from him in alarm.

A few agonizing minutes later, the 72 hours were up and Itachi felt his surroundings collapse in around him. His physical body had sustained Tsukuyomi as long as it could and the illusion was about to disappear—and with it, whatever little remaining sanity Itachi had left to begin with.

Then something pulsed and Tsukuyomi was dispelled, returning Itachi's eyes to normal.

"Whoa," Tobi stumbled a little when he found himself back on the cliff.

Itachi staggered once more as his consciousness returned to his body, his head spinning and vision swarming into a haze of throbbing, blob-like colours. And the pain—oh sweet mother— _the pain_.

He couldn't speak, lips mouthing wordlessly as he mustered enough strength to remain upright, staring through glazed, streaming eyes at Tobi as he stood there in bewilderment.

"You…my…technique," Itachi managed to say hoarsely, his voice barely above a whisper. "How…"

"How?" Tobi echoed unsurely, clueless as he raised the camera. "How what? How do you take a picture? Like this."

Tobi pressed the shutter release button.

Another blinding flash of light hit him and Itachi lost all vestiges of sight, his vision dissolving into a red haze and searing pain into the depths of his brain.

He lost any and all balance and stumbled backwards.

Tobi froze and the rest of the Akatsuki waiting below felt their jaws drop as Uchiha Itachi tumbled headfirst off the cliff.

For a moment, they just watched him fall, utterly speechless.

Then—

"Holy shit, the rocks!" Hidan pointed to the sharp, jagged rocks beneath the cliff.

"Catch him, all of you!" the Leader barked. "Now!"

They scrambled in panic to get away from the Leader when he threw them a glare and rushed blindly towards the rocks—including Kakuzu, who was limping as fast as his crutches would let him.

They stopped directly below their plummeting comrade.

"Cloaks!" Kisame shouted.

Within a second, all five of them had whipped off their cloaks and formed a half-assed rescue net by tying the sleeves together.

They branched out, holding tightly and bracing themselves when Itachi finally made contact, hitting the 'net' with enough velocity to make them all stumble and fall inwards into a haphazard dog pile, pinning the Uchiha beneath.

"What the hell—Deidara, your hand is biting my leg!"

"Sorry, un."

"Oh _shit_…I think I broke another rib…"

"Whoever's got their hand on my ass, I'm going to give you till the count of one before I mess you up, seriously."

"Idiots, Itachi's still under us!"

Kakuzu rolled off of Kisame's back and Deidara crawled over Hidan and Zetsu, revealing the battered Uchiha's limp arm.

"Get him out of there," the Leader snapped. "Zetsu, take him inside."

"Yes, sir."

"The rest of you, get out of my sight," the Leader spat, staring in disgust at the shirtless, cowering men. "And go put on some clothes."

They obeyed, hobbling into the headquarters hugging themselves.

"Itachi-saaan!"

The Leader turned around as Tobi came running up to him, out of breath and sounding alarmed.

"Leader-sama, is Itachi-san all right?" Tobi cried fearfully. "Did I…_kill _him?"

"No, he's alive."

"Thank goodness," Tobi breathed in relief, putting a hand against his chest. "Does that mean I pass his test?"

"…I suppose."

"Really?" Tobi gasped. "Then that means"—

"Zetsu's turn is next," the Leader finished, eyes glinting as he stared at Tobi. "Then Deidara's. Then _mine_."

"I look forward to it, sir!" Tobi saluted, but then looked off into the direction of the headquarters. "Sir, do you mind if I…?"

The Leader shook his head and Tobi thanked him profusely before running off after the others, hollering Itachi's name.

A smirk slowly lifted the corners of the Leader's lips as the masked man disappeared inside.

What an interesting turn of events.

Tobi was a wild card, indeed.


	5. Zetsu is Photosynthetic

One of the Cool Kids ch.5

By: firefly

Note: Yayz, it's Zetsu's turn! I was very excited about writing this chapter so I really hope everyone enjoys it. Also, a big THANK YOU to everyone who's reviewed so far. You're all awesome and amazing and very, very encouraging. (Loves.)

This chapter is by far the LONGEST. One, because I had too many ideas for it. And two, because I wanted to make up for the time I took to update. So I would appreciate the reviews!

**One of the Cool Kids**

Socked feet padded quietly over the carpet as they crossed the hall, careful to keep quiet as everyone slept.

The steps came to a stop before one of the dorm room doors, and a hand reached out to open it.

The door swung open soundlessly to reveal a room dimly lit by the rising sun. The steps continued into the room till they stopped by the bedside.

Tobi gently placed a water-filled mug down on Itachi's bedside table, hesitating only a moment before he placed a hand-picked daffodil within it. He moved his gaze to the occupant in the bed and winced.

Itachi lay there in a comatose stupor, his sleeping mask in place along with sensors attached to his temples and chest. An electrocardiograph beeped steadily by his bedside and an intravenous drip was attached to his arm, feeding him through an I.V.

Tobi stared down at him sheepishly.

"I'm really sorry you got hurt, Itachi-san," he whispered, careful to not wake Kisame. "I hope you get better soon…"

With that, he tenderly brushed a few stray hairs away from the Uchiha's forehead before creeping out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.

A few seconds later, Itachi's hand slowly relaxed its grip around the kunai he'd been concealing beneath the blanket.

* * *

An hour later, Tobi decided to go wake Zetsu for his initiation test. He could barely contain his excitement as he flounced down the hall to his friend's room. He opened the door and poked his head inside.

The room was dark and empty.

Miffed, Tobi glanced around and was about to leave till he noticed a light shining from beneath the closet door.

Curious, he crept into the room and up to the slightly ajar door.

Zetsu's voice floated through the crack and Tobi's eyes widened when the man's words became clear.

"Good morning, Hanako," Zetsu said softly. "How are you feeling?"

_Hanako?_

"I'm glad the potion I made for you is helping…you look a lot healthier now." He laughed a little. "You had me so worried, I couldn't sleep."

"_Couldn't sleep at all_," Zetsu's black half emphasized. "_Tossing and turning._"

Tobi felt slightly bad for eavesdropping, but he couldn't stop himself as he clasped his hands beneath his chin in glee.

Zetsu-san had a girlfriend!

"I hope you like the new food. I traveled to Swamp country to get it especially for you."

Tobi's heart melted and he repressed the urge to sigh blissfully at the romantic gesture.

"Must be going now, though. Tobi is probably waiting for me. Goodbye, Hanako. I will see you again soon."

Tobi started, and then quickly scurried out of the room as Zetsu switched off the closet light. When Zetsu opened the door to his room, he was met with the sight of Tobi standing outside it with his hands folded behind his back, radiating vibes of absolute glee.

"Good morning, Zetsu-san!" he said brightly.

"Good morning, Tobi," Zetsu returned, before quirking an eyebrow. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Oh, a few minutes," Tobi said innocently, rocking on the balls of his feet. "Were you talking to someone inside? I thought I heard something."

Zetsu looked momentarily surprised before reverting back to his usual, calm expression.

"Yes. I was talking to…a friend."

"Oh? Someone I know, Zetsu-san?"

He shook his head before stepping out of the room and into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

"Won't you introduce us?" Tobi asked, following him down the stairs into the kitchen.

"My friend is a bit shy," Zetsu said shortly, pulling out a chair at the dining table to sit next to Kisame.

"Meeting new people helps cure shyness," Tobi said knowingly, spooning scrambled eggs onto the others' plates as he circled the table. "It could be beneficial!"

"What are you talking about?" Kisame said offhandedly, meticulously picking through his food in paranoia.

"Oh, Zetsu-san has a friend we haven't met," Tobi said brightly, oblivious to Zetsu's dismayed sigh. "And I think it's a _girl_."

"What?" Deidara perked up from the other side of the table. "Like, a girl-girl?"

Tobi nodded. "Her name is Hanako. Right, Zetsu-san?"

The white half of Zetsu's face reddened and the plant-like appendages attached to his body closed slightly in an effort to hide his blush.

"Nice going, Zetsu-san," Deidara said with a grin as he drowned his eggs in ketchup. "Bring her to meet us, un."

Zetsu shook his head.

The Leader stared over his newspaper at Zetsu, having listened to the conversation.

"I trust you haven't told this _friend_ about the activities of our organization?"

"No, sir."

"Wow, Zetsu-san," Tobi said in awe. "That's impressive, considering how you have her locked in your closet and—UMPH!"

The Leader lowered his newspaper and raised his eyebrows when Zetsu clapped a hand over Tobi's mouth, shoving his head under the table.

"Seriously?" Hidan said, looked impressed. "In the _closet_?"

"What," the Leader said blankly. "Did Tobi just say?"

"Nothing, sir," Zetsu replied, sounding remarkably calm as he maintained his grip on Tobi's neck. "He said _nothing_. Right, Tobi?"

"Yes. Nothing," Tobi squeaked from under the table.

The Leader gave him one last stare before rising and leaving the room. Once Zetsu was sure he was out earshot, he released Tobi.

"You locked a girl in your closet?" Kisame said in surprise. "If the Leader finds out"—

"He won't, unless one of you tells him," Zetsu said with a glare.

"I promise I won't, un," Deidara said, waving his hands. "I just wanna meet her is all."

"Yes, Zetsu-san," Tobi said hesitantly, rubbing his neck. "We promise we won't tell."

"Speak for yourself," Kakuzu said with a sneer. "Hey Zetsu, pay up and maybe I'll keep my mouth shut."

Zetsu fixed his stare on the masked man.

"Do it and I'll eat you."

Hidan made a face. "That's freakin' nasty, man. Kakuzu probably tastes like shit."

Kakuzu shot him a dirty look.

Zetsu opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again, looking thoughtful.

"If Tobi passes his initiation test today…then I will introduce her to you," he finally sighed in resignation.

Tobi perked up.

"Really, Zetsu-san? Then I'll try my best!"

Zetsu just nodded tiredly before rising and beckoning for Tobi to follow him. Tobi eagerly got to his feet and followed Zetsu to the doorway before turning back to face the others.

"Wish me luck, guys!"

Then he left.

Deidara sniffed.

* * *

"I hope Zetsu eats _him_, un."

Tobi followed Zetsu out of the kitchen and into the living room. Zetsu walked over to the far wall and revealed a door that was concealed behind the curtains. The doorway opened up to a short flight of stairs and Tobi craned his neck over Zetsu's shoulder in curiousity when the plant man ascended the steps and opened another door.

They both stepped inside and Tobi stopped, flabbergasted as he took in his surroundings.

"This…this is…" he said, sounding awed. "Zetsu-san, is this…?"

"A greenhouse, yes," Zetsu affirmed, turning to face Tobi. "I am in charge of maintaining it."

"It's beautiful!" Tobi gasped, staring up at the glass roof and shielding his eyes from the sunlight spilling through. The room itself was nearly as big as a gymnasium, with a wild assortment of flora occupying every inch, some species the like of which Tobi had never seen before.

Butterflies flew serenely over the flowers and Tobi reacted in delight when one of them came to perch on his outstretched finger.

"Hehe, Zetsu-san! I made a friend!"

"That's nice, Tobi," Zetsu said patiently. "But pay attention. I'm about to give you your test."

The butterfly flew away and Tobi snapped back to attention, turning to face the taller man.

"Most of these plants," Zetsu gestured to the wide array of greenery behind him. "—are not here because they're beautiful or smell nice. They're here because they can be used for concocting lethal poisons. Leader-sama frequently asks us to carry out assassinations and we find that poisoning is one of the more stealthy ways to go about it."

Tobi nodded enthusiastically. "Leader-sama is so smart!"

"Yes," Zetsu said, the white half of his face smiling slightly. "But listen here, Tobi. These poisonous plants are notoriously difficult to take care of. They require just the right humidity, temperature, water, and sunlight to thrive."

"That sounds complicated, Zetsu-san."

He nodded.

"Exactly, and that's why it's going to be your test. You will water each plant on the left side of this room, administer the proper nutritional supplements, feed the carnivorous ones, and make sure all other requirements are met; proper humidity, adequate exposure to sunlight, etcetera. All members of the Akatsuki must have a certain degree of knowledge in poison and the plants from which poisons can be extracted, so if you pass this test, you will meet that requirement. Lastly…" Zetsu paused, before the black half of his face smiled.

"_After you complete this task, you must bring me a species I don't have in my collection. It need not be poisonous—just something I don't have_."

"Wow," Tobi said sheepishly, scratching his head. "That sounds hard, but I'll try my best!"

"I know you will," Zetsu said, nodding. "The hose is to your left and you can find the nutrient packages and food items in the shed. Good luck."

Then he left.

Tobi waved and stood there for a few seconds, slightly intimidated by the sheer number of plants.

"Okay, Tobi," he declared to himself. "No chickening out. Do it for Zetsu-san!"

He rolled up his sleeves and took off towards the shed.

Just gathering the things he needed took him forty-five minutes. In all, sixty-three different species of plants needed tending to and he had to gather specific foods for them _all_. Some were not so bad—soil nutrients, pre-packaged food sticks, liquid supplements, etc. The others, however…

"I'm sorry, Mr. Squirrel," Tobi said regretfully, dangling the dead squirrel by its tail over the gaping mouth of an enormous carnivorous plant. "You'll be happier in squirrel heaven…I promise."

The plants gaping, green jaws snapped shut on the squirrel and then proceeded to nearly take half of Tobi's arm with it, but Tobi escaped with his arm intact and only half his sleeve missing. Another harmless-looking cactus ejected its spines when he touched it and he spent nearly half an hour tearfully extracting the sharp spikes from his body.

A luminous orange flower vomited on him after he gave it a milliliter too much water and he lost count of how many times he got pricked, poked, jabbed, and bitten by the others. But he persevered, carefully reading the instructions through watery eyes and tenderly catering to each individual plant's needs.

He paused at one point to wrap each of his bleeding fingers in bandages and continued, scattering various nutrients over the floor in his clumsiness.

An hour and a half later, he finished.

Sweating, bleeding, and covered in dirt, Tobi stood before the watered and fed plants and wiped his brow, feeling extremely proud of himself.

Despite having nearly lost an arm, losing feeling in his left hand after being pricked by a venomous cactus, slipping on the water he'd sloshed around, and nearly being eaten, he was feeling pretty damn good.

"Zetsu-san will be so proud of me," he said happily, clasping his hands beneath his chin. "Now all that's left to do is find him a plant he doesn't have!"

With that, Tobi whipped off his dirt-stained apron and flounced out of the greenhouse, closing the door behind him. A few feet away, the discarded hose lay in loose coils on the floor, still running water.

* * *

Tobi left the headquarters and headed straight into the forest, keeping an eye out for any interesting-looking plants.

He was not disappointed.

Tobi had never seen a stranger or more unique collection of plant life in his life. There were Venus fly traps that towered over him at twelve feet tall, trees so large their canopies seemed to disappear into the clouds, blue, purple, red, and orange varieties of shrubbery, inverted flowers, plants that _moved_, and every other wild and fantastical thing you could imagine.

Unfortunately, as Tobi scoured the list of plants he held, each of the ones he'd seen so far had already been collected and catalogued by Zetsu.

But Tobi persevered, dodging the jaws of carnivorous plants, crawling through bushes of poison ivy, and running around in circles screaming his head off as a millipede crawled up his leg.

The situation was dire. It seemed as though he'd never find the right plant, but just as he was starting to lose hope, he stumbled into a clearing nestled oddly within a circle of trees. And in the middle of the clearing stood the most magnificent-looking flower Tobi had ever seen.

Awed, Tobi approached the tall, unopened flower cautiously, shielding his face in case it threw up on him or attempted to eat him. But the flower remained motionless.

It was six feet tall, resembling a giant loaf of French bread, the green spathe just on the verge of opening at the top to reveal the purple bloom within. The plant made no move to attack him, and excitedly, Tobi scoured the list to see if there was an image of this one in Zetsu's collection.

He flipped through nine pages, then let out a loud whoop of joy, doing a victory dance on the spot.

At last he'd found something!

Tobi pocketed the list and approached the enormous flower. He brought out a spade and knelt, digging away at the soil at the base of the plant so he could uproot it. The roots extended far, fardown and Tobi spent nearly half an hour scraping away the dirt. At last, the giant flower shuddered and started to keel over.

Tobi caught it, and holding it like a log over one shoulder, he flounced triumphantly out of the forest.

Fifteen minutes later, he burst into the Akatsuki headquarters, now with the plant nestled securely within a giant flowerpot.

"Zetsu-san!" he called in a singsong voice, skipping up the stairs with it. "Zetsu-san! I found one! I found one!"

Zetsu emerged from his room just as Tobi appeared at the top step, the top half of his body obscured by the massive flower.

"Oh, Tobi, you came back rather quickly," Zetsu said in surprise, lifting his gaze to the flower. "What did you"—

He stopped suddenly, eyes widening in shock.

"Isn't it gorgeous?" Tobi gushed, setting the potted flower down in the middle of the hallway. "And I think it's about to bloom!"

"Tobi," Zetsu said as calmly as he could. "Take that plant outside. _Now_."

"What? Why?"

"Tobi, please do as I say. Take it outside."

"You mean…you already have this one?" Tobi asked, looking crestfallen.

"No, I do not. Just please take it outside, Tobi. It's"—Zetsu stopped suddenly, eyes widening in horror as the green spathe encasing the bloom slowly began to unfurl.

Tobi gasped.

"It's opening!"

Zetsu could do nothing but stand and watch in horror as the magnificent flower unfurled completely, revealing the burgundy inside of the spathe. Then it came to a standstill, fully-blossomed and towering over them in all its glory.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Tobi breathed, sparkly-eyed. "It's…"

He trailed off suddenly, when the fragrance of the giant bloom suddenly diffused throughout the hallway.

A second later, Tobi slapped his hand over his nose and mouth to prevent himself from throwing up.

Zetsu sighed and reached up to pinch his nose with his fingers, his voice sounding nasal as he spoke.

"Titan Arum," he said wearily. "Or as most people know it, the _Corpse Flower_."

Suddenly, one of the dorm room doors slammed open.

"What the hell is that god awful stench?" Hidan shouted, stomping out into the hall. "It smells like…"

He stopped, suddenly, when he saw the enormous flower and was hit with its interesting fragrance full on.

A moment later, his face turned green and he made a choking sound in his throat, staggering over to the nearest window to stick his head outside. One by one, every member emerged from their room as the smell infiltrated the entire second floor, only to gasp, choke, and join Hidan over by the window, holding their noses.

"What the hell is that?" Deidara yelped, his visible eye watering. "It reeks, un!"

"Tobi," Zetsu said with a sigh. "There is a reason why I don't have this particular specimen in my collection. Titan Arum earned the name of _Corpse Flower _because that is precisely what it smells like; a rotting corpse. Worse still…" Zetsu paused.

"It can be smelled from half a mile away."

"I'm sorry," Tobi squeaked, half his masked-face burrowed within his shirt. "I didn't know!"

Suddenly, a buzzer blared loudly, the sound emerging from Itachi's room. Kisame's eyes widened, and holding his nose, he darted back into his room, emerging a few seconds later with the battered and now conscious Uchiha leaning on him, his face tinged green.

Apparently the stench had brought Itachi out of his comatose stupor.

Then a door slammed.

With a sense of foreboding, Zetsu turned to see the Leader striding down the hall from his room, eyes narrowed in a frightful glare.

He stopped before him and pointed at the flower, his voice icy.

"_Explain_."

"It's my fault, sir," Tobi blurted, scampering up to stand next to Zetsu. "I was supposed to bring Zetsu-san a plant he didn't have and I brought this one because he didn't have it but I didn't know it would smell like a dead body but it does and it's really, really smelly and I don't like it and it's not Zetsu-san's fault so could you please not kill him and, and… um…I'm sorry?"

The leader calmly reached up and grabbed Tobi by his shirt, yanking him down to eye-level.

"Dispose of it," he said in a frighteningly calm voice. "Or there will be a real corpse to worry about."

"Yes, sir," Tobi squeaked.

The Leader released him and departed down the stairs.

Tobi did as he was told and regretfully carried the plant back outside, trying not to gag at the putrid stench. He dumped it into a nearby river and watched the water carry it down stream before he headed back.

Unfortunately, the stench refused to leave the entire second floor, so they were all forced to take up residence in the living room.

When it came time to sleep, none of them were willing to go back upstairs since the smell still lingered, as strong as ever.

"Listen, all of you," the Leader finally spoke around midnight, interrupting the grumbling. "The entire second floor is now off-limits, as it is being fumigated. This means that for tonight you will sleep here…" he paused.

"Together."

"You mean," Tobi said with wide eyes. "Like a slumber party?"

"...if that's what you want to call it, then yes."

Hidan immediately shot Tobi a paranoid look and scooted away from him.

Deidara raised his hand.

"Yes, Deidara?"

"That's fine, un. But can we get our pillows and stuff? I can't sleep without my blanket."

"There are spare pillows and blankets in the linen closets on this floor, along with nightwear. There will be no sleeping in uniform. I myself shall sleep on this sofa. Itachi will sleep on the loveseat, as he cannot risk being kicked by one of you and furthering his injuries. The rest of you sleep on the floor." The Leader paused again.

"Also. Tobi, go fetch me some hot chocolate."

Tobi shot to his feet, eager to please.

"Yes, sir! Um, one question. Would you like a marshmallow in your hot chocolate?"

"Yes. Two."

"Okay!"

As Tobi ran off to the kitchen, the others trudged off to get the blankets and pillows.

Deidara came running back first in his black, silk pajamas (with the Akatsuki cloud insignia emblazoned on the front pocket), looking to be the only one pleased about the impromptu slumber party.

Excitedly, he spread out the enormous comforter they'd be sleeping on and tossed on the pillows before leaping into the soft pile, gleeful as the others returned (also clad in black silk pajamas) and dumped the blankets and pillows on top of him.

Kisame and Zetsu moved the furniture out of the way, leaving only the sofa and loveseat. Deidara and Hidan spread out the blankets and arranged the pillows, and Kakuzu extinguished the bright lights, settling for lighting two dim lamps instead. Itachi and the Leader merely sat there, overlooking their progress.

When Tobi returned, he was carrying a tray with a mug of hot chocolate for everyone, including a bag of marshmallows. He plopped down on the comforter next to Kisame and handed them out.

"What's in this?" Kisame asked in paranoia, staring at the cocoa-coated marshmallow bobbing in his drink.

"Cocoa powder, milk, cream, sugar, and a marshmallow!" Tobi chirped. "No fish!"

"Okay," the shark man mumbled, gingerly taking a sip.

"This is quite satisfactory," the Leader said, looking down from his sofa at Tobi in approval. "You will make this for me every night."

"Yes, sir!" Tobi said, delighted. "It'll be my pleasure!"

For a few minutes, everyone was quiet and drank their hot beverages. Then Kakuzu spoke up.

"Can we sleep now? It's 12:15 am."

"I'm not tired," Deidara said with a grin, his upper lip coated in hot chocolate. "Hey, don't people tell scary stories at sleepovers or something? Let's hear something scary, un!"

"What could possibly scare _us_?" Kisame snorted. "We're the Akatsuki, remember? We're the epitome of scary."

"Here's something scary," Hidan suddenly said, his rosary clinking as he leaned forward with a grin. "When you die, each and every one of you bastards is going to hell, and when you get there, you'll spend all of eternity eating crap, drinking pus, and having pitchforks shoved up your asses."

Deidara made a face.

"You suck balls at story-telling, Hidan."

"Can we sleep?" Kakuzu asked again, sounded irritated.

"Wait!" Deidara cried, scooting closer and crossing his legs. "I know a good one! Okay, um, let's see…oh yeah. Once upon a time there lived this old woman, un. Every night she went for a walk through the graveyard. One night there was a full moon and as she was crossing the graveyard"—

Tobi suddenly screamed.

Everyone jumped, turning to look at him incredulously.

"Why did you scream, Tobi?" Zetsu asked.

"Um…" Tobi scratched his head. "I thought Deidara-sempai was going to say something scary."

Deidara looked somewhat miffed, but continued with his story.

"Yeah, so, this old hag was walking through the graveyard and she noticed a grave she hadn't seen before. So she walked over to it and saw"—

Tobi screamed again.

"Tobi," Zetsu said, looking somewhat concerned as Deidara's eye began to twitch. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no," Tobi said shakily, visibly frightened. "I'm all right. Please continue, Deidara-sempai."

"Okay," Deidara said slowly, clearly annoyed. "So the old lady looks at it and sees that it's a freshly dug grave. And it's empty, un. She goes closer to read the name on the headstone and suddenly"—Deidara paused, waiting for Tobi to scream.

But Tobi didn't scream. Instead, his reaction was rather quiet.

He _fainted_.

Zetsu blinked as the masked man keeled over and collapsed across his lap, unmoving. No one spoke.

Then Deidara suddenly leapt to his feet, looking ecstatic.

"I killed him, un!"

Zetsu shook his head.

"He's still alive."

"That's enough," the Leader said flatly, moving to lie down. "Lights out. Now."

Zetsu gingerly placed Tobi closest to the sofa, draping the blanket over him before moving over to his own spot. Hidan snatched up his pillow, holding it between his teeth as he crawled across the makeshift bed, attempting to get as far away from Tobi as possible.

Kisame lay down next to Zetsu, Deidara lay down next to Kisame, Kakuzu lay down next to Deidara, and Hidan lay down next to Kakuzu. Itachi slipped on his sleeping mask and curled up on the loveseat.

Silence.

Then Hidan spoke, rather loudly.

"Just so you all know…I don't swing _that_ way. So if any of you make with the grabby hands, I'll freakin' castrate you. Seriously."

"Don't flatter yourself, Hidan."

"Shut up, Kakuzu."

"Hey, Zetsu," Kisame muttered. "Mind moving over a little? Your, er, plant parts are poking me."

Zetsu moved.

"If anyone needs to relieve themselves," the Leader suddenly said, turning his head to stare down at them imperiously. "Go now."

"I'm good, un." Deidara said, snuggling under his blanket. "I can hold it for up to twelve hours, no joke."

"Too much information, Deidara," Kisame muttered.

"I need more room," Hidan whined, flinging his arm over his head, unwittingly backhanding Itachi right in the face.

"Ow," Itachi said monotonously.

"Oh, shit. Sorry."

"Silence," the Leader said, sounding annoyed. "If I hear another word, you'll all be sleeping outside."

"Sir?" Deidara said meekly. "What if I accidentally talk in my sleep?"

"Just shut up."

"…un."

Kakuzu reached up and extinguished the lamps, casting the living room into complete darkness save for the moonlight shining faintly through the window.

One by one, each of them fell asleep.

Some time during the night, Tobi rolled over and wrapped his arms around Zetsu's, startling the plant man awake. Sighing, Zetsu picked up a pillow and eased his arm out of Tobi's grip, replacing it with the pillow. Then he went back to sleep.

Kisame lay on his front next to Zetsu, facedown against his pillow, sleeping soundly. Next to him, Deidara lay curled up in a tight ball, mumbling something about impressionism, and next to Deidara Kakuzu slept flat on his back, fingers unconsciously tracing dollar signs against his front. Hidan slept with his back against the loveseat, clutching his rosary, and Itachi slept like a vampire, hands folded over his chest, right hand palming a shuriken.

For a few hours, the Akatsuki slept like babies.

Then suddenly, when it was 3:46 AM, everyone woke to the abrupt, loud sound of someone crying out in disgust.

"Oh, _hell_ no."

"What the hell is the problem _now_, Hidan?" Kisame groaned, clamping his pillow over his head.

"Okay…okay, seriously," Hidan's disembodied voice sounded from somewhere within the darkness, quavering with fury. "Which one of you wet the goddamn bed?"

"What?" Deidara croaked, sitting up, his ponytail askew. "Someone peed in the bed?"

"The blanket is wet," Kakuzu muttered after turning on the lamp, rubbing his eyes and squinting at the comforter they were all lying on. "And cold."

Unbeknownst to them, the water was seeping from beneath the curtain against the wall, the one obscuring the door that led to Zetsu's greenhouse.

Tobi woke to the sounds of the others grumbling in sleep-fogged voices, sitting up and glancing around to see what the fuss was about.

The Leader was not happy.

"What is going on?"

"Sir, there seems to be a leak in this room somewhere," Zetsu said in bewilderment, feeling the blanket beneath him grow sodden and cold. "I think it's water."

Tobi's blood suddenly ran cold.

The hose he used to water the plants flashed before his eyes. He remembered the vivid image of watering the last plant and dropping the hose in relief when he finished. He remembered his feet splashing against the floor on his way out. He remembered leaving various plant nutrients scattered over the floor. He remembered shutting the door behind him.

He _couldn't_ remember turning off the hose.

Before Tobi could say anything, the door behind the curtain groaned in protest, straining against the weight of the water that had accumulated on the steps behind it.

"What the hell was that?" Kisame said blankly.

There was a moment of silence.

Then the door blew off its hinges.

It was as though a dam had burst. Water came gushing into the room violently, sweeping up the furniture and everyone in the room.

"Gah!" Tobi was knocked back as the water hit him, pinning him against the sofa. Deidara yelped and attempted to run, but the water hit his legs with enough force to send him toppling onto Kisame. They both hit the water with a mighty splash.

"It's a flood!" Hidan yelled, sounding horrified as he clung to Kakuzu's leg, refusing to let go. "God is smiting us!"

The Leader and Itachi merely sat on their respective pieces of furniture, bobbing up and down with the waves of water.

Zetsu grabbed on to Itachi's loveseat to stay afloat, looking down at the water and managing to notice an odd, brown substance swirling in the murky depths. It smelled and looked hauntingly familiar.

"Ack!" Deidara spat out a mouthful of water. "It tastes like dirt!"

Then it hit Zetsu.

The water was laden with plant nutrients.

He could already feel his plant appendages tingling.

"Kisame!" the Leader barked, lashing out with his leg and kicking water into the shark man's shocked face. "Pull yourself together and remove the water."

Kisame blinked, suddenly remembering that he was an expert in water-based jutsu, and formed a seal.

The water slowly collected into one side of the room, spiraling rapidly into a cyclone.

Then suddenly the cyclone moved towards the window and burst through it, shattering the glass. The water landed with a loud, distant splash outside.

Everyone who'd been floating hit the ground hard, especially Kakuzu, as he'd been floating facedown.

The carpet was miraculously dry, as Kisame had extracted every drop from the living room, but he'd neglected a few things; namely, everyone in the room.

Deidara lay flat on his back, soaked blonde hair strewn all about his face as he gasped for breath. Kakuzu rolled onto his front laboriously, hacking up water and kicking Hidan, who was still holding onto his leg in shock.

They all looked like drowned rats—rats in wet black silk.

The Leader's sofa and Itachi's loveseat hit the ground a few feet away from their original resting places. The rest of the living room was in complete disarray. Pillows were strewn all about the room, the coffee table was upside down, DVD's were scattered around like domino pieces, the lamps were broken, and Tobi was tangled within the comforter.

"Any fatalities?" the Leader asked, remarkably unperturbed.

They glanced at each other, then seemed to notice someone was missing.

Tobi untangled himself and sat up, glancing around. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of someone obscured partially by the Leader's sofa.

"Zetsu-san? Zetsu-san, are you all right? You"—Tobi froze, his words dying on his lips when he crawled forward and took in his friend's appearance.

"Holy shit," Hidan said in amazement, following Tobi's gaze. "What happened to _you_?"

Zetsu stared up at them miserably from where he lay on the floor, the entirety of his plant-like appendages covered in hundreds of pink and red blossoms.

Tobi slowly put his hand against his mask, right above his mouth, trying and failing to suppress the laughter.

"Zetsu-san," he choked. "The soil nutrients, I left them on the floor and..."

"I'm aware," Zetsu said with a sigh, before the black half of his face closed an eye. "_Could someone get the hedge clippers, please?_"

* * *

The next morning, the living room was back to normal, as Tobi had spent the entire night cleaning it. The second floor was done being fumigated and smelled normal again, and Zetsu had managed to clip off all the flowers, only to find them back and in greater numbers than before when he woke the next morning.

After Tobi finished cleaning, it took him nearly an hour to muster the courage to go knock on Zetsu's door.

When he finally did and Zetsu opened the door, he had to swallow his laughter and ignore the blossoms surrounding Zetsu's blank face.

"Zetsu-san," he said sheepishly, lowering his gaze to the floor. "I'd like to apologize for what happened yesterday. I was very careless and I know I disappointed you, and it's my fault you got in trouble with Leader-sama, so…I'm really sorry."

Zetsu slowly shook his head, sighing as petals rained down to the floor.

"It's all right, Tobi," he said. "You didn't disappoint me. I expected as much."

"So you're not mad at me?" Tobi asked hopefully.

"No, I am not."

Tobi beamed.

"Also," Zetsu said thoughtfully. "I should tell you. You passed both tests."

"What? Really?" Tobi cried, ecstatic.

"Yes. You managed to cater to the needs of the plants in the greenhouse and…despite its oddity, you _did _bring me a plant I didn't have. So technically, you passed."

Tobi couldn't contain himself. He latched onto Zetsu in a fierce hug.

"_All right, all right_," Zetsu's black half mumbled with a pained grimace.

"Zetsu-san," Tobi said, pulling back and sounding excited once more. "Didn't you say that you'd show me your friend if I passed your test?"

"Oh, yes," Zetsu said falteringly. "I did…well, this way, then."

"Wait, I think Deidara-sempai and Hidan-san wanted to see her, too," Tobi said, dashing off before Zetsu could stop him.

Tobi returned a few minutes later with Deidara and Hidan in tow, both looking rather curious as Zetsu led them into his room with a sigh.

"Is she pretty? Huh?" Deidara asked excitedly, as Zetsu stopped before the closet.

"You'll see," Zetsu said mysteriously, opening the door a crack, just so he could peek inside.

"Hanako," he said softly. "I've brought some friends to see you. I hope you don't mind."

A moment later, Zetsu straightened, nodding to them.

"Please, no sudden movements or noises. She gets frightened easily."

Tobi nodded exuberantly.

Zetsu let the door swing open. It bounced off the wall, revealing the interior of the dark closet.

Tobi blinked in bewilderment.

"Where is she, Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked, seeing nothing but a small, potted plant.

"Right there," he replied, pointing.

"That's a freakin' cactus," Hidan said blankly.

"Yes. Hanako is a Night-blooming Cereus Cactus, also called _Queen of the night_." Zetsu said calmly, looking down at the small cactus fondly.

Deidara and Hidan slowly exchanged looks, then simultaneously turned and left.

Zetsu wasn't surprised by their reactions. He glanced at Tobi, whose expression was impossible to discern because of the mask.

"_Disappointed, Tobi? Were you expecting a person, maybe_?" Zetsu's black half asked dryly.

Tobi slowly shook his head before looking up and tilting his head slightly to the side.

"I think she's lovely, Zetsu-san," Tobi said sincerely.

Zetsu smiled slightly in return, pleased.

"Well, I'm going to catch up with Deidara-sempai," Tobi said brightly, waving. "It's his turn to give me a test!"

Zetsu nodded.

"I have some errands to run myself."

Tobi ran off to find Deidara after bidding him goodbye, and Zetsu headed outside, looking to gather a few more specimens of a particular, poisonous plant the greenhouse was lacking.

The flowers on his head rustled in the breeze and spread a lovely fragrance about him as he walked into the forest.

It was rather…nice.

_It's not as bad as I thought it would be_, Zetsu thought. _It's actually quite…_

He paused, suddenly, his thoughts coming to a halt when he heard a strange noise. At first, he couldn't place it; it sounded too far away.

But then the sound seemed to get closer. It almost sounded like…a vibration.

Befuddled, Zetsu turned around and looked into the distance.

The clouds were white on the horizon. Then suddenly, they turned grey. Then pitch black.

The vibrating became buzzing.

The black cloud became thousands of bees.

And Zetsu became a walking nectar-factory.

"Damn," was all he managed to get out before turning and tearing out of the forest like a bat out of hell.

He didn't get far.

And 24 hours later, as Zetsu lay in bed covered in calamine lotion and 124 bee stings, he vaguely wondered whether they'd be needing to find a replacement for the soon-to-be-doomed Deidara.


	6. Deidara is Erudite

One of the Cool Kids ch.6

By: firefly

Note: HAH. Told you guys I wouldn't give up on this! XD I'd like to thank everyone for their patience and super encouraging reviews. You guys make the time and effort of writing totally worth it. I LOVE YOU ALL.

**One of the Cool Kids**

"Is that better, Zetsu-san?"

Zetsu nodded slowly, wincing as Tobi crouched near his bedside and gingerly swabbed a cotton ball soaked in calamine lotion over his bee stings.

"I'm really sorry," Tobi murmured, hanging his head in guilt. "It's all my fault. If only I wasn't so stupid and careless…"

Zetsu sighed, the white half of his face closing an eye.

"It's all right, Tobi. You didn't mean for it to happen. Granted, I'm not happy about it. In fact…"

The black half of his face hissed.

"_I should eat you for it._"

Tobi whimpered and Zetsu sighed again, reaching out to pat him on the head.

"It's all right. You know I don't mean that."

Tobi nodded, resting his chin on Zetsu's bedspread like a dog, letting his friend pat him on the head.

"Don't you have a test with Deidara?" Zetsu inquired after a moment.

Tobi nodded.

"Yes, but…I was concerned when I heard about what happened to you, so I put it off." Tobi paused, hanging his head again, his voice thick with remorse. "And…I keep hurting everyone, Zetsu-san. I don't mean to, but it just happens. I didn't mean to make Kisame-san sick. I didn't mean to scar Hidan-san for life. I didn't mean to break Kakuzu-san's ribs. I didn't mean to put Itachi-san into a coma. I didn't mean for _this_ to happen to you…"

Zetsu grimaced as Tobi sniffled and withdrew a blue handkerchief from his pocket, dabbing at the hole in his mask.

"Of course you didn't mean it," Zetsu said in a strained voice, his bee stings itching uncontrollably. "Tobi is a good boy, right?"

Tobi laughed weakly and nodding tearfully, leaning forward to clasp his arms around Zetsu's middle.

"I love you, Zetsu-san."

"…um," said Zetsu awkwardly.

"I'll pass Deidara-senpai's test with flying colours!" Tobi declared, standing suddenly. "I'll pass it for you, Zetsu-san. I'll make you proud!"

"Good for you, Tobi," Zetsu said wearily, closing both eyes. "Good luck."

"Thank you," Tobi said gratefully, before backing out of the room. "Rest well!"

Tobi disappeared into the hallway and closed the door behind him, leaving Zetsu in the dark room.

_Forget Tobi being the dead man_, Zetsu mused to himself. _Deidara's doomed_.

* * *

Tobi flounced down the hallway, humming a tune as he stopped before the room he shared with Deidara. When he pushed it open and stepped inside, he found it empty.

Blinking, he shrugged and decided to head downstairs to look for his senpai.

Kakuzu and Kisame were seated at the dining table—the former mending a hole in Kisame's cloak as the shark man sat patiently and waited. Tobi paused near the table, gazing admiringly at Kakuzu's seamless stitching before speaking.

"Excuse me, Kakuzu-san, Kisame-san. Have either of you seen Deidara-senpai?"

Kisame scratched his head, leaning his elbows onto the table. "He's probably in his workshop."

"Workshop?" Tobi echoed, surprised. "Deidara-senpai has his own workshop?"

"Around back," Kakuzu explained without glancing up. "The back door in the kitchen leads to it."

Tobi nodded in gratitude.

"Thank you, Kakuzu-san. It's Deidara-senpai's turn to give me a test, so wish me luck!"

Kakuzu said nothing and merely continued sewing.

Kisame glanced between the two—at Kakuzu whose left eye twitched with the effort to refrain from violence (his ribs were still healing) and Tobi who stood there expectantly, hands clasped beneath his chin.

Kisame sighed.

"Good luck, Tobi."

"Thank you, Kisame-san. I'm so excited! There are only two tests remaining, and once I pass them I'll officially be part of the Akatsuki! You and I will be comrades!" Tobi gushed, unable to restrain himself as he latched onto Kisame's muscular bicep in a fierce hug, completely oblivious to his horrified expression.

"Get off of me!" Kisame cried, unable to reach Samehada with Tobi latched onto him.

"I'll make up for all the trouble I've caused you, I promise!" Tobi said brightly, letting go just as Kisame jerked back, turning to face Kakuzu as the shark man toppled off his chair.

"Kakuzu-san, I'll make up for breaking your ribs," Tobi said passionately, putting his hand over his heart. "I will never go back on that promise. You have my word, for I, Tobi, am a good boy!"

With that, Tobi advanced to deliver an embrace, only to stop halfway when Kakuzu raised his hand.

"Come near me and this needle's going through your throat," Kakuzu said calmly.

Tobi straightened and slapped his forehead with a laugh.

"I'm so silly! It _would_ be dangerous for me to try and hug you while you're holding something sharp like a needle, wouldn't it? It's so like you to look out for me, Kakuzu-san."

The Falls nin only stared at him, appalled by his stupidity.

"I'm ready! Knowing that Kisame-san and Kakuzu-san care about me makes me feel like I can take on anything," Tobi said happily.

"Go die," said Kakuzu.

"Yes, I will do my best or die!" Tobi cried passionately. "Deidara-senpai, I'm coming!"

And then Tobi went tearing out of the room, snaring a loose thread from Kisame's cloak around one of his shirt buttons and tearing an hour's worth of sewing in half.

He followed Kakuzu's directions and opened the back door in the kitchen, finding a short flight of stairs descending from it, illuminated eerily by a single bare bulb that hung from the ceiling.

His excitement gradually receded as he cautiously started down the stairs, feeling a little unsettled by the darkness and creepy hallway that appeared before him. It seemed to be little more than a mole tunnel, with flickering, mine lamps affixed to the crumbling dirt walls.

Tobi hurried along the passage, stopping before a half-rotten, wooden door. Hesitantly, he raised his hand and knocked three times, glancing around nervously as a cold draft snaked up his back.

A large spider descended on a thread of silk near his head, and Tobi fought the urge to recoil and knocked three more times, loudly.

The temperature dropped, and when a few more minutes passed and one of the lights went out, Tobi found himself breaking out in a cold sweat. Unable to withstand the seemingly shrinking hallway and its creepy inhabitants, he squeaked and reached for the doorknob, pushing the door open and stumbling forward.

The sight that met his eyes elicited a scream that would have put a troupe of panicked girl scouts to shame.

Some _thing_ with caked, slimy hair and a horrifying, grey, deformed face leered at him.

Tobi screamed.

The thing screamed too.

"Deidara-senpai!" Tobi cried, turning to run. "Save me!"

"You freakin' idiot!" the thing shouted, grabbing him by the neck of his shirt and jerking him back into the room. "It's me, un!"

Tobi stopped flailing as soon as he heard his senpai's signature "un". Turning, his terror waned into shock when the thing reached up with a wet towel and wiped it over its face, revealing a scowling, muddied Deidara.

"Deidara-senpai!" Tobi gasped. "What happened to your face? And hair?"

Deidara rolled his visible eye, the other covered with a mud-caked eye patch.

"It's clay, you idiot. Can't you tell?"

"Why is there clay on your face, Deidara-senpai?"

Deidara reddened slightly before frowning, scratching at the cracked clay on his cheek.

"It's got natural botanicals," he said huffily. "It's good for nourishing my skin, since I get wind-burned from riding my birds."

"I think you have beautiful skin, Deidara-senpai. Is that clay in your hair, too?"

"Of course not. It's olive oil and egg yolk," Deidara muttered, patting his stiff, stringy hair.

"What does the olive oil and egg yolk do? Make your hair shiny?" Tobi asked, fascinated.

"You could say that," Deidara said under his breath, before turning and walking back into his workshop. Tobi followed, only to stop past the threshold and stare in awe.

The walls were covered with shelves upon shelves of Deidara's clay models. Each model bore a distinctive design and sported a distinctive label. Tobi had the sneaking suspicion that these were Deidara's favourites, since they were organized immaculately and the shelves they rested upon were spotless.

In the middle of the room stood one of the Rock nin's gigantic, flying clay birds, along with other animals that looked half-complete. The ground was covered in tile and bits and pieces of clay lay scattered over it.

"These are amazing," Tobi breathed, walking up to one of the shelves to gaze at a row of clay lizards. "You're so talented, Deidara-senpai."

Deidara wiped off the last of the clay on his face, obviously pleased to have his talent acknowledged.

"Yeah," he said with mock modesty. "I try."

"Everyone in the Akatsuki is so talented. You must be the artistic one, Deidara-senpai," Tobi commented, moving to look at a shelf of clay frogs.

Deidara opened his mouth to reply, and then he stopped, suddenly struck with an idea.

"You're right," he said after a moment, a slow, ominous smile working its way onto his face. "Everyone in the Akatsuki is talented, un. In fact, it's sort of a prerequisite to being in the Akatsuki in the first place."

Tobi straightened and turned around at that, head cocked to the side.

"You must miss having Sasori-san for a partner, then. I heard he was a very gifted artist." Tobi took a step forward, tone softening. "Do you miss him, Deidara-senpai? Are you grouchy because you're grieving?"

Deidara gave him an incredulous look. "Do I look like I'm grieving, you dumbass?"

Tobi nodded understandingly. "As your fellow man, I understand that showing emotion is probably a sign of weakness, so instead you vent by insulting me. It's all right. Please, feel free to grieve in my presence."

"You're out of your damn mind, un."

"It's all right, Deidara-senpai, I'm here," Tobi said somberly. He took a step forward, raising his arms and holding them outstretched.

"Let me hold you."

"Get the hell away from me!" Deidara snapped, shoving him away. "Don't get random ideas like that in your head, you idiot!"

Tobi stumbled back from the shove and apologized sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

"But Deidara-senpai, just so you know, you can cry on my shoulder any—"

"Talent," Deidara interrupted loudly, scowling. "As I was saying, everyone in the Akatsuki has a distinct talent, something that gives him uniqueness."

Tobi perked up. "Uniqueness?"

Deidara nodded, his smile widening.

"Anyone can throw a kunai or learn a jutsu, but only a select few are born with a real talent. Me, for example. I'm gifted with sculpture," he said, beckoning to the shelves. "And performance art," he added with a grin, patting the satchel of explosive clay on his hip.

"So everyone has a talent like you, Deidara-senpai?" Tobi asked, sounding impressed.

"That's right. We're not a bunch of uncultured Neanderthals, you know. The Akatsuki is an elite organization. We've got the best of the best, un." Deidara took a step forward, raising a finger to tap Tobi's mask.

"Leader-sama uses our talents to fund the organization, so unless you can prove you've got talent, you can't get in."

Tobi cocked his head to the side, inquisitive.

"Fund? He sells your talents?"

Deidara grinned.

"I'll show you exactly what I mean, un. Let's go back to the house. I need to wash my hair."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, with his blonde hair wrapped up in a towel turban, Deidara beckoned for Tobi to follow him downstairs. Tobi mimicked Deidara's stealthy tip-toeing, following him to the edge of the wall before the dining room.

"Keep your trap shut," Deidara warned in a hushed whisper, putting a finger to his lips. "Kakuzu will kill us if we interrupt him."

Tobi nodded and waited for Deidara to explain.

"I don't know if you know this, but our cloaks?" The Rock nin pointed to one of the red clouds emblazoned on his cloak. "Kakuzu designed them. He even sewed them."

_Wow_, Tobi thought, impressed. _So that's why he was fixing Kisame-san's cloak._

"He doesn't like to talk about it, but he's a master seamster. When he isn't managing our finances, he's working on things to sell. Right now," Deidara said with a coy smile, beckoning for Tobi to peer into the dining hall.

"…he's working on wedding dresses."

Tobi stared, gaping at the sight of Kakuzu sitting before a sewing machine with a mountain of white chiffon and silk, a measuring tape slung around his neck and a piece of chalk in his hand.

He watched in awe as the Falls nin deftly flipped the sheet of silk over and marked it, jabbing it full of pins before running it under the sewing machine. Near the far wall, a stack of gorgeous wedding dresses lay in a neat pile.

Deidara pulled him back and whisked him towards the living room.

"Ten thousand apiece," Deidara said, smirking as Tobi stared at him, flabbergasted. "Those dresses make a killing on the market."

"They were gorgeous," Tobi agreed, sparkly-eyed. "Kakuzu-san is so talented."

"Exactly. Now I'll show you what our fishy friend Kisame can do. It's Friday, un, so he should be on TV."

"TV?" Tobi said blankly, as Deidara picked up the remote and turned it on. The blonde flipped through the channels until he found the sports station.

There was a wrestling match going on, between two very enormous men—one of which looked very familiar.

"There he is."

"Is that…Kisame-san?" Tobi gasped, kneeling directly in front of the TV. "He's not…blue!"

"Jutsu," Deidara said shortly, grinning. "Kisame is a natural-born athlete. He's got more strength and endurance than all of us."

"Wow," Tobi breathed, watching a flesh-coloured, spandex-clad Kisame fling his opponent headfirst out of the ring. "He's amazing."

"Friday's wrestling. Saturday's basketball. Sunday's football. Monday's boxing," Deidara said, counting on his fingers. "He brings in a lot of money, un."

"He does _all_ of those sports?"

"Yeah, with a different disguise every time."

"Kisame-san is incredible!" Tobi said in awe as Deidara flicked off the television, beckoning for him to follow.

"Come on, let's go see Zetsu."

Happy to see his friend again, Tobi eagerly followed Deidara up the stairs and to the Grass nin's room. When they stopped outside his door, a faint tapping noise could be heard issuing from within.

"Lucky you," Deidara said, before raising his fist to knock on the door. "He must be working on his latest."

"Come in," Zetsu said from the other side.

Tobi and Deidara entered, only to find Zetsu propped up in bed (still covered in calamine lotion) with an old, battered typewriter poised in his lap.

"If it isn't already obvious," Deidara said, pointing to the typewriter. "Zetsu here can write."

"Really?" Tobi gasped, moving to see what his friend had written on the stack of paper on his nightstand. "You never told me you were a writer, Zetsu-san!"

"I dabble," Zetsu's white half said modestly.

"Dabble, my ass," Deidara said with a grin. "Mr. Bestseller-three-months-in-a-row."

"What kind of books do you write, Zetsu-san?"

"Ones that are too complicated for you," Deidara retorted, snatching the stack of papers from Tobi's hands. He glanced down it, his visible eye trailing the words before his brow furrowed.

"Zetsu, this doesn't make any sense, un."

"_Stream of consciousness_," Zetsu's black half rasped.

"Can I read one of your books sometime, Zetsu-san?"

"Of course, Tobi."

"_Silver Ladybugs and Pig Entrails_." Deidara read, staring at the first page on a different, complete stack. "That's the title of your new book, Zetsu? Horror?"

"…it's a romance."

Deidara stared. Then he glanced at Tobi.

"Let's get out of here."

They both left Zetsu to his writing, closing the door gently behind them before walking out into the hall.

"Zetsu's got eleven novels under his belt, un. All different genres. He's always in the top ten on the bestseller's list."

"Everyone is so talented," Tobi said, sparkly-eyed. "I wonder what Itachi-san can do. He's already incredible."

Deidara snorted before grabbing Tobi by the sleeve and dragging him towards the Uchiha's room.

"It's Friday, so he should be working on one right now," Deidara said, stopping before the door. "But I'll tell you now…Itachi doesn't have a creative bone in his body. He's the least talented out of all of us. A freakin' robot, un."

"I think he can hear you, Deidara-senpai," Tobi said worriedly.

"He doesn't give a damn, trust me," Deidara said before pushing the door open.

Tobi hesitantly followed him in and stopped, staring at the sight before him.

Itachi sat by the window on a stool, holding a paintbrush in his hand and running it mechanically over the easel in front of him, his face expressionless.

"Itachi-san can paint?" Tobi said, surprised. "But that's a talent!"

Deidara snorted again, grabbing Tobi by his sleeve before dragging him over to Itachi's side. What Tobi saw made his mouth drop open.

"That's…it's…"

"_Starry Night_," Deidara finished for him, before pointing to the canvases propped up near the bed. "And that's the _Mona Lisa_, and the _Persistence of Memory_, un."

"But they're amazing! They look just like…"

"The originals," Itachi finished flatly. "I copied them."

Deidara gave him a slightly contemptuous look.

"A real artist works from creativity. Technique isn't as important as the subject and the emotion, un. Sharingan-boy here can copy anything down to the smallest detail, but he can't make something of his own…something original. He's got no talent."

Tobi was vaguely alarmed by Deidara's blatant disregard for the Uchiha's feelings, but Itachi kept on painting, looking completely unmoved.

"But since these copies sell for a lot on the black market, I guess it's something you could consider a talent," Deidara said grudgingly.

"I think they're beautiful," Tobi said sincerely, patting Itachi on the shoulder.

"Don't touch me."

"Oh, oops. The painting might get ruined," Tobi said with a sheepish laugh, oblivious to Itachi's sharingan morphing into mangekyou sharingan.

"Let's move on," Deidara said, noticing the change with slight alarm.

Both stepped out of the room, closing it behind them and leaving Itachi to start a copy of Picasso's _L'Accordéoniste. _

Before Tobi could say anything, Deidara grabbed his wrist and dragged him towards the room at the opposite end of the hall. Tobi realized it was Hidan and Kakuzu's room. Raising a finger to his lips, Deidara motioned for Tobi to stay silent as he opened the door and crept in.

Tobi followed, blinking when he found the room empty.

Deidara stood by the bathroom door and beckoned Tobi over. He did as he was told, creeping over to stand next to him.

"Deidara-senpai, Hidan-san's in the shower," Tobi said in a hushed voice, hearing the sound of running water through the door. "Let's come back later."

"Shut up and listen, un."

Tobi reluctantly did as he was told, straining his ears.

At first, all he could hear was the sound of running water and the odd _thunk_ of hygiene products impacting with the marble surface of the tub.

Then came the singing.

It started out as an unintelligible murmur, and then increased in volume till they could both make out the words to the song. And it was a _gorgeous_ song. It was heart-rending in its sublimity.

"…is that _Hidan-san_?" Tobi asked incredulously.

Deidara only grinned in reply.

"What's he singing?" Tobi asked after a moment, sounding awed by the lilting notes floating through the door.

Deidara snickered. "A hymn."

Hidan sang on, voice passionate.

"…a fountain full of blood from heathens…and severed heads to put candlesticks in…for me a blood-bought reward, a silken noose and gold-wrought sword…an eternity to punish in, I have an eternity to punish sin…for destruction, sweet destruction, oh holy destruction, divine destruction!"

"It's so beautiful," Tobi said tearfully.

"It's mental," Deidara corrected him. "He doesn't know we know about this other little talent of his."

"He has another one?"

"You do remember when Leader-sama made him dance, don't you?"

"Oh, I remember! Hidan-san dances beautifully!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Not so loud, you idiot!" Deidara hissed, darting forward to clamp his hand over the hole in Tobi's mask, only to trip over one of Hidan's misplaced spears and crash into him. A moment later, there was silence. And then the bathroom door banged open.

"What the fuck?" Hidan said blankly, finding the two in a dog pile in front of the door.

"It's nothing," Deidara said brusquely, jumping to his feet. "We thought we heard a noise and—"

"You sing like an angel, Hidan-san," Tobi sobbed from the floor.

"_What_?"

"Tobi, shut up—"

"You sing as well as you dance. Your voice is heavenly. I'm so moved. I'm—"

Deidara reached down and heaved Tobi to his feet, slapping his hand over the hole in his mask again.

Hidan paled, and then turned an embarrassing shade of red.

"You bastards were _listening_?"

Deidara realized anything but the truth would be futile.

"…were you in your church choir?" he asked instead, lamely.

A moment later, Deidara and Tobi burst out of the room, dodging the spear and the string of colourful curses Hidan threw at them.

"_Was _Hidan-san in his church choir?" Tobi inquired once they were a safe distance from his room. "He has such a beautiful voice."

"How the hell should I know?" Deidara replied, re-arranging his towel turban. "Hidan's the newest member, and so far we haven't figured out a way to make money off his talents."

"But Leader-sama will figure something out, won't he? Leader-sama is so smart," Tobi said with an admiring sigh. "He must be the most talented one of all. What can he do, Deidara-senpai?"

"Even I don't know that," Deidara replied, heading downstairs with Tobi in tow, back towards the back door in the kitchen. "But now that you've seen what each of us can do, it's about time I gave you your test, un."

Tobi nodded excitedly, following the blonde through the dirt hallway that led to his workshop.

"I'm ready for anything, Deidara-senpai!"

"Good," Deidara said with a grin as he stopped and turned to face him, his visible eye glinting. "As an artist, my work—" He gestured to the clay models. "—gets put in art galleries. I'm famous for my distinctive style, un, and it brings enough funding to keep Leader-sama happy."

He paused, his grin widening.

"And since you insist on calling me 'senpai', I thought of a fair test. You have to mimic my art and prove you've got enough talent to be my apprentice."

Tobi glanced at the shelves and the innumerable sculptures, inspired.

"Me? You think I have what it takes to make art like yours, Deidara-senpai?"

"Why not?" Deidara said, biting on the inside of his mouth to keep from grimacing. "I'm sure you've got plenty of talent, Tobi."

Deidara could almost feel Tobi's elation through his mask.

"You have no idea how happy you've made me, Deidara-senpai. I won't disappoint you, I promise! You're my inspiration!"

"Yeah, yeah," Deidara muttered, scratching his nose. "Now pay attention. Here are your instructions. You see that box over there?"

He pointed and Tobi found a large, sealed box placed on the large wooden table against the far wall.

"That," Deidara said matter-of-factly, "Is the clay you'll be using. You can pick any model in this room to base your work on, and you have to complete it within five hours. That may seem like a lot of time, but trust me, you'll need it. It's harder than it looks."

Tobi nodded seriously, glancing around at the models with his fists clenched resolutely by his sides.

"Once you pick a model, take it and the box with you out there," Deidara instructed, pointing to an obscured door behind his giant clay bird. "That door leads to the backyard. I want you to complete your work there."

"We have a backyard?"

"That's what we call the patch of dirt and rocks, yeah. Make sure you take it far away from my workshop," Deidara said, his grin growing wider.

"All right, Deidara-senpai! I'm ready," Tobi said excitedly.

"Good. Don't break any of my models, un, or I'll blow your head off," Deidara said over his shoulder as he turned to leave. "I'll be back in five hours."

"Okay!"

Deidara smiled to himself as he departed through the door and into the dirt hallway leading back to the kitchen, leaving Tobi behind.

It was a simple test, almost easy compared to what Zetsu and Itachi had given him. Even a simpleton like Tobi could more-or-less mimic Deidara's art with a model at hand and do a decent job. It was almost _too_ easy.

Deidara snickered, an ominous glint flickering in his eye.

Behind this seemingly innocuous test, a much more nefarious purpose lurked.

In actuality, Deidara wasn't planning on testing Tobi at all.

He was planning on killing him.

Where Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Zetsu had failed to rid the world of the idiot known as Tobi, Deidara would succeed. He planned his "test" in a way so cunning there was absolutely no way for Tobi to turn it against him. Within the next five hours, Tobi would die, and Deidara would play it off as an unfortunate accident.

The clay he'd supplied Tobi with was imbued with a C2 level of explosive chakra, enough to cause an explosion violent enough to take out a small dwelling—more than enough to rid the world of Tobi once and for all.

Once Tobi was securely within safe exploding distance in the rocky landscape outside headquarters, and once a couple of hours had passed, Deidara would sneak around back, hide behind one of the rocks, and detonate the clay.

Then bye-bye, Tobi.

Deidara couldn't help himself. He cackled in triumph, paying no attention to the strange look Kakuzu gave him when he walked by the dining room in his towel turban.

For all the misery he'd caused the Akatsuki, for the sleepless nights and migraines and urges-to-commit-suicide that he'd inflicted upon Deidara, Tobi would die. There was no way Deidara would let a dunderhead like Tobi become his partner.

This time, he was a dead man for sure.

* * *

_Deidara-senpai wasn't joking when he said this would be hard_, Tobi thought to himself, his hand poised thoughtfully on his chin as he examined the model he'd chosen.

He stood in the middle of the barren landscape outside the headquarters, surrounded by rocks and bones. The sky was cloudy and the air was cool, perfect for molding clay in, yet Tobi found himself at a bit of a loss as he examined the model.

It was a dolphin, lying flat on its belly with its fins akimbo and tail jauntily curved up. It looked like a very happy dolphin, which was why it attracted Tobi in the first place. But trying to mimic it was proving very difficult, indeed.

Discarding the misshapen lump of clay in his hand, Tobi knelt and dug out another handful, crouching in front of the model and eyeing it intently as he let his fingers do the work. A moment later, he pulled off his black gloves. Then after another moment, he removed his mask for better visibility. Time ticked on.

His second attempt yielded something that looked like a cross between a worm and a sailboat, and his third attempt looked like a misshapen lizard. It was all very frustrating.

Before he knew it, an hour had elapsed.

Sighing, Tobi glanced down at the dolphin model, cocking his head to the side.

"Maybe I need something else," he said aloud, examining the small figurine. "This is too hard for me. I need something simple…something big…something like…"

Tobi stopped, suddenly, struck with an idea. He jumped to his feet and put on his mask, excitedly scooping up the dolphin model and the box of clay before darting off towards Deidara's workshop.

He had the _perfect_ idea for a sculpture, so perfect he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it earlier.

Tobi recalled Deidara's words.

_A real artist works from creativity._

Tobi had been given the task of mimicking an existing artwork, but that didn't mean he couldn't add his own creative flair to it. It didn't mean he couldn't take the initiative and turn it from something mediocre into something magnificent.

He had to show Deidara his talent, did he? He had to demonstrate his capacity for sculpture?

Tobi smiled as he entered the workshop and turned on the light, his gaze falling on the model at the back of the room.

If sculpture wasn't his forte, then he'd just have to prove his worth by mimicking Deidara's _other_ talent—

Performance art.

* * *

Nearly four more hours went by, and Deidara, nearly giddy with excitement, happily strode about the house knocking on doors and inviting the others to come witness his greatest art display yet—_The Combustion of Tobi_.

Except Zetsu. Because Deidara had the inkling that the Grass nin was actually somewhat fond of the witless wonder. So he skipped his door and managed to convince Kakuzu, Hidan, Itachi, and Kisame to follow him around back.

"Deidara, what exactly are you showing us?" Kisame asked, recently returned from his wrestling match on TV. "I'm exhausted."

"I have a deadline to meet," Kakuzu said testily. "And a consultation with some customers soon."

"_Adele Bloch-Bauer I_ is missing an eye," Itachi said tonelessly. "The original wasn't a Cyclops. I need to finish it."

Hidan glanced at the others, having no outstanding duties himself, so he settled with a perfunctory—

"What the fuck do you want?"

Deidara paused near an occlusion of boulders, turning to face them with a wicked grin.

"Tobi," he said slowly, and with great effect. "Is about to meet his Maker. I just thought you four would appreciate the show, considering how he managed to outsmart all of you, un."

"How the hell are you going to do that without Leader-sama finding out?" Kisame asked doubtfully.

"Simple. I told him to make a model from my C2 clay. I detonate it, he dies, and we label it an accident," Deidara said triumphantly, forming his hands into a seal. "On the count of three."

Intrigued and somewhat impressed by Deidara's cunning, the four shuffled closer to peer over the rock at Tobi's work station. What they found was an empty patch of dirt and rocks with the odd smattering of clay bits.

"Are we in the right spot, Deidara?" Kakuzu questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course we are," Deidara replied, moving between Hidan and Itachi to peer over the rock. "He's right over…there?"

"Apparently," Itachi said after a moment's stunned silence. "Your target has gone AWOL. Or perhaps he already succeeded in exploding himself."

Deidara shook his head in disbelief, scrambling away from the boulder and onto the rocky landscape, glancing around in bewilderment and dismay.

"I told that idiot not to move from here!" he shouted, pointing near a pile of human skeletons. "And I know he was here! He left pieces of my clay everywhere, the stupid ape—"

"This is a waste of time," Kakuzu said in a bored tone. "I have wedding dresses to sell."

As he turned to leave and the others moved to follow, Deidara suddenly came to a horrific realization.

"Wait!" he shouted, running after them. "You have to find the retard. He has enough C2 clay to take out a house!"

Hidan gave him an incredulous look.

"You gave _Tobi_ explosive clay? Are you out of your goddamn mind?"

Deidara scowled, clearly irate as his seemingly flawless plan fell apart.

"I didn't think he would disobey me," he snapped in reply. "Hurry up and help me find him, un. One spark and he could kill us all."

"I believe that's unnecessary," Itachi said blandly, pointing to the ground.

Deidara followed his gaze and blanched when he found a trail of crumbled clay leading back to the reinforced, steel door to his workshop. It had been propped open with a doorstop when he'd left Tobi, and now it was shut.

There was no doorknob on this end.

The mere thought of Tobi alone in his workshop with his most beloved creations, armed with a box full of explosive putty was enough to make him panic. Horrified, he ran at the door and banged on it with his fists, shouting himself hoarse.

"Tobi! Open the door, you idiot! Don't touch anything! Just open the door! Tobi! _Tobi_!"

Realizing the futility of trying to shout through a reinforced, steel door, Deidara turned and fled back to headquarters to take the long way back to his workshop. The others exchanged looks, shrugged, and followed.

Deidara tore through the house, knocking over a lamp and a few chairs on his way to the kitchen in panic, and his right hand got so flustered it accidentally bit its tongue. Cursing, Deidara flung open the back door to the kitchen and practically flew down the stairs, bolting through the tunnel and bursting into his workshop.

He stopped dead, his heart leaping up into his throat when he found Tobi.

The masked apprentice stood on a footstool, putting the finishing touches on a massive replica of Deidara's giant, flying clay bird. It stood more or less identical to the original, although it was a bit smaller and a little rough around the edges. Despite his panic, Deidara had to admit that Tobi had done a decent job.

"Deidara-senpai!" Tobi exclaimed, turning to glance at him, waving a carving tool in his clay-caked hand. "Just in time! There are only a few minutes left before my test is over."

Tobi hopped off his stool, completely oblivious to Deidara's horror as the metal base scraped over the ground, driving up sparks near the clay bird's posterior.

"Tobi," Deidara croaked, putting up his hands in a pacifying gesture. "Don't. Move."

Tobi opened his mouth to ask why, but then noticed the others come in behind Deidara. Itachi, Hidan, Kakuzu, and Kisame stood behind the petrified blonde and stared in detached shock at the explosive abomination next to Tobi—fit to explode at the smallest spark.

Then, Tobi saw someone he hadn't expected to see, the dark figure going completely unnoticed by everyone else as he silently entered the room a moment later.

"Leader-sama!" Tobi exclaimed joyfully. "Did you come to see my art?"

An eerie silence fell over the room, then—

"You're totally fucked, Deidara," said Hidan.

The blonde's blood ran cold. He slowly turned around and almost choked when he found the Leader staring directly back at him, gaze icy.

"Tell me, Deidara," the Leader said slowly. "What exactly compelled you to rampage through the house, track mud over the carpets, and destroy my Tiffany Lotus lamp?"

Deidara paled, his blue eye darting between the Leader and Tobi's creation.

"Sir, I can explain—"

"And what," the Leader interrupted icily. "Is the meaning of _that_?" He pointed to Tobi's model.

"The fruits of my labour!" Tobi said proudly, waving his carving tool. "Deidara-senpai gave me a test and—"

"Shut up, Tobi!" Deidara shouted, before whipping around to face the Leader.

"Sir, I'll pay for replacing the lamp and rug—"

"Carpet," the Leader said venomously.

"_Carpet_. I'm sorry, un, but I was trying to—"

"Um, Deidara-senpai?"

"I told you to shut up, Tobi!"

"I want to hear what he has to say, Deidara."

"But sir—"

"Um, Deidara-senpai, this is kind of important…"

"What is it, you dumb idiot?" Deidara finally screeched, whipping towards Tobi.

Tobi hesitated, before tentatively gesturing to the clock on the far wall.

"There are only two minutes left."

"Two minutes till _what_?" Deidara demanded, his right eye twitching uncontrollably.

Tobi carefully set down the carving tool on a nearby table, walked over to his clay bird, and patted it fondly on the head.

"Two minutes left for you to judge if I passed or not," Tobi said cheerfully. "We better take it outside."

Deidara was at a loss, and apparently, so was everyone else in the room.

"Explain, Tobi," the Leader ordered.

Tobi nodded, and gestured to the empty box of C2 clay Deidara had given him in the beginning.

"Deidara-senpai said that to pass his test, I had to show I had some talent by mimicking his art. To tell you honestly, I found that my sculpting skill is nowhere near the caliber of Deidara-senpai's, so I took a chance and decided to try my hand at something else, something Deidara-senpai does best!" Tobi chirped.

A cold, ominous feeling bore down on the Rock nin, and for a moment he could only mouth wordlessly before finding his croaky voice.

"Tobi, what have you done?"

"I really wanted to impress you," Tobi continued earnestly, oblivious to his terror. "And everyone else, too. So I took what you said to heart, Deidara-senpai. To prove that I have the talent to be your apprentice, I took the initiative to show you performance art. Like you, I want to show everyone—" Tobi patted his clay bird on the head.

"—that art is a bang. I don't know the jutsu like you do, so I made due with the next best thing…"

Tobi wheeled around the platform the clay bird was sitting on and showed them its posterior. A minimum of at least twelve exploding notes rested there, emblazoned with a time seal of five hours.

Silence. Complete, utter, _silence_.

Then…

"One minute," Tobi said cheerfully.

Deidara nearly passed out. The Leader blinked.

"It's nothing to worry about," Tobi said airily, noticing their horrified expressions. "I just have to wheel it outside!"

Tobi opened the steel door, went around to the front of the platform, and pushed.

The bird moved forward an inch before its wings impacted dully off the surrounding drywall, two feet too wide for the narrow doorway. Another moment of deafening silence.

"Oops," said Tobi.

Hidan, Kisame, Itachi, and Kakuzu slowly exchanged looks. Then the room erupted in a chaotic, mad dash for the only exit. Hidan leapt over a table and Kisame knocked over a shelf of clay models (to Deidara's increasing horror), and the two became sandwiched in the doorway on the way out.

"Get out of the way, fish face!"

"You're immortal, you bastard! You should get out last!"

Itachi merely stared at the spectacle before walking over to the other side of the room and blasting a fiery hole in the wall with Amaterasu. Then he calmly walked out.

Kakuzu wordlessly strode towards the stuck pair in the doorway and delivered a solid kick to their backsides, un-wedging them before ducking his head and following through. The Leader merely took his leave by vanishing, but not before saying—

"The cost of repairs is coming out of your pay cheque, Deidara."

Then he was gone. And Deidara and Tobi were alone.

"You idiot! You stupid, retarded, jackass! How could you be so _dumb_? How? _How_?" Deidara raged, futilely struggling to push the heavy clay model through the too-small doorway. "Don't just stand there! Help me!"

Tobi hurriedly did as he was told, only to quickly realize that time was running out.

"Now there's less than a minute left, Deidara-senpai," Tobi said worriedly. "I'm sorry, I didn't think it was too big to get through the door—"

"Because you're a moron!" Deidara shouted, putting all his weight into shoving the bird out. "Oh, screw this!"

He stepped back and formed a seal, and a moment later the bird sprung to life, flapping its wings and cocking its head to the side.

"Get out," Deidara instructed, pointing the bird towards the doorway. The bird took a step forward, tucking its wings in, only to get itself wedged between the doorway.

Deidara nearly tore out his hair.

"No, no, no, no! Out! Get out, un!" He pushed on the stuck bird as hard as he could, cursing Tobi till he was hoarse.

"Deidara-senpai, there are only thirty seconds left!" Tobi cried, tugging on his cloak. "Please, you have to come with me. We have to escape!"

Deidara staggered away from the stuck bird, panting, and moved his wide-eyed gaze to his workshop.

"Oh no," he whimpered.

Tobi realized what the despondent, hysterical blonde was looking at and immediately took hold of his arm.

"No, Deidara-senpai! It isn't worth it!"

"What do you know about worth, you ignoramus?" Deidara shouted, shoving him off and rushing towards his shelves. "These are my life's work! They're priceless!"

"Deidara-senpai, you're not supposed to stay behind for valuables when there's an emergency!" Tobi cried, pleading now. "The firemen never lie!"

Deidara ignored him, trying to get as many of his precious favourites off the shelves and into his arms as possible.

Panicked, Tobi looked between the clock and his hysterical senpai, realizing there were only twenty seconds left on the clock. It was do or die. His senpai was obviously not in the right state of mind. He wasn't thinking straight.

_I have to_, Tobi realized suddenly, with a burst of resolution. _I have to save Deidara-senpai._

Meanwhile, Deidara was reaching as high as he could, straining his fingers towards a one-of-a-kind model of an owl on the top shelf while precariously holding on to an armful of fragile models.

He had the wind knocked out of him when Tobi suddenly ran and tackled him like a linebacker, heaving him over his shoulder as all his most precious works fell to the ground and shattered.

Deidara couldn't even scream. He burst into tears.

"I'll save you, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi said, valiantly attempting to keep his hold as the blonde thrashed like a wild animal.

"Let go of me! Tobi, you stupid bastard—I need them!" Deidara latched onto the doorframe as Tobi tried to cross the threshold, refusing to let go.

"Please. Let. Go!" Tobi pleaded, trying to pry the blonde from the doorway. "You can't, Deidara-senpai! It's not worth your life!"

Tobi gave one last, mighty heave and the doorframe snapped off beneath Deidara's vice-like grip. Tobi didn't hesitate. He ran like the wind.

"My babies!" Deidara sobbed.

Tobi didn't stop running.

Fifteen seconds later, Deidara's workshop exploded.

* * *

Zetsu paused his typing as a tremor shook the house, rattling its foundations and sending bits of dust and plaster raining down on him from the ceiling.

He winced and sat up straighter, turning to look out the window.

Somehow, the sight of an enormous mushroom cloud ascending into the sky didn't surprise him as much as it should have.

* * *

Fortunately, Tobi later discovered, setting a stunned Deidara down in the living room where the others resided—the only explosive clay in Deidara's workshop had ironically been the one he'd used for his test. The rest of the models were simply there for asthetic purposes, and the high-grade explosive clay was stored in Deidara's room.

The kitchen remained untouched, as the brunt of the blast occurred in the workshop and only extended as far as the tunnel, collapsing it.

But Deidara's workshop was utterly destroyed. His life's work was in shambles—fiery, smoking shambles.

The blonde had gone into shock, and no number of Tobi's heartfelt apologies—or harsh slaps (happily bestowed by Hidan)—could shake him out of his stupor.

Tobi could only hope that his senpai would find it somewhere in his heart someday to forgive him.

But for now…

"Since Deidara is seemingly incapable of answering right now," the Leader said, glancing askance at the blonde's glazed eye and slack-jawed expression. "I will vouch on his behalf."

Tobi looked up at the Leader hopefully from where he sat on the floor, holding his breath.

"The test was for you to mimic Deidara's art," the Leader intoned. "And that is what you did, more or less. So despite the immense property damage on your part, I must acknowledge the fact that you've passed Deidara's test."

Tobi leapt to his feet, ecstatic.

"Did I really?"

Behind him, Deidara made a sound half-akin to a sob.

"Yes, really," the Leader said, advancing a step with an ominous glint in his eyes. "You've proven yourself worthy against the likes of Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Zetsu, and even Deidara. You've done what ninety-eight percent of candidates fail to do."

Tobi nodded, brimming with pride.

"But," the Leader said softly, gesturing to the ring on his right thumb. "You still have to get through _me_."

"I'd be honoured to try, Leader-sama," Tobi said reverently, and he bowed.

Behind him, the six members who'd incurred Tobi's wrath gazed at the pair in fearful wonder.

Where once stood a naïve, ignorant good boy, who'd somehow managed to wing his way through the likes of Itachi and survive…now stood a vessel capable of destruction so extreme that for the first time in the organization's history, it was not the candidate's safety at stake, but the Leader's.

Tobi was no ordinary person.

He was a _demon_.

Slowly, Tobi turned around to face his prospective comrades, and in that moment of silence, Itachi readied a kunai, Kisame took hold of Samehada, Kakuzu fashioned a noose from string, Hidan reached for his collapsible pike, and Deidara shuddered violently.

Tobi smiled widely.

"Who wants waffles?"

* * *

Note: I would LOVE to know what you guys think. Your favourite part, incoherent squeeing, I love it all!


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